(Detroit, MI) According to a new poll, DVD players installed on the backs of car seats are making life a lot easier for selfish parents. Del Leandro, of Berkeley, California, polled 500 egocentric parents between September, 2014 and July of this year. All but one, who was on his cell phone during the poll and never really answered the questions, agreed that the new technology had greatly improved their lives.

“It’s like I only have to be a parent when I feel like it”, rejoiced Adam Colman of Providence, Rhode Island. Colman, who is a father of three, is not alone in his sentiment. Julia Cranfeld of New York City told Leandro, “My daughter is so fucking needy. I just need a goddamn break when I get off work and have to pick her up from day care. It’s like, she has no idea that I had a long day. It’s all about her.” Cranfeld, whose daughter is three years old, went on: “Now I can just put on a cartoon and pretend she’s not there.”

While virtually every study of human development ever done in the entire history of mankind shows that this kind of thing is the exact opposite of what a child needs in order to grow up emotionally happy and stable, many of the parents polled took a let’s-cross-that-bridge-when-we-get-to-it approach. Jacob Sebring of Yorbalinda, California, when confronted with scientific research and statistics said, “I don’t worry about any long term affects on my son. At around the time he is eighteen years old, I will be divorcing his mom anyway.” But some of those polled where not so flippant, and dwelled on their proclaimed belief that a DVD player on the back of their seats is actually really good for children. Dana Zule from Scranton, Pennsylvania opined, “My kids are so used to it, they don’t even try to talk to me anymore. I think it’s because they really have grown to love cinema. And Police Amademy 5.” 

In the poll, the most frequently repeated comments included:

“I can concentrate more on my own life.”

“They don’t really care about what’s happening anyway, so who cares if I interact with them?”

“It’s cheaper than a babysitter.”