New Dating App, ‘Unpaid Whore’, Exactly Like ‘Tinder’, says Inventor


(Technology) A new dating app, ‘Unpaid Whore’, unveiled on Wednesday at The Tech of Dust convention in Marin County, California, is “exactly like Tinder”, according to its own inventor, Sean Cardale.

“Unpaid Whore is literally exactly like Tinder in every single way. Well, the name is different, obviously. But aside from that, no difference in any way, whatsoever”, explains Cardale.

Cardale, pressed by reporters while manning his booth at the popular TOD gathering, held annually in Northern California, did not appear to lose his patience while repeatedly being asked the same questions over and over again for the roughly nine hours he attended the event.

“I don’t know what else to say.  The two apps are indentical in every way, except in the spelling of the names.”

Cardale, 20, is currently working on an app that will allow users to watch, in real time, their IQ’s decrease with successive hits of marijuana.


Man Sits Through Entire Movie Without Checking His Facebook Account


(News) Kent, WA — A local resident stunned his peers on Friday when he sat through an entire movie without checking his Facebook account once. Todd Buschow, a senior at Grove Valley High School, said it never even crossed his mind to look at his phone, and was as dumbfounded as his friends.

“I don’t know, I guess I was kinda into the movie”,  he flatly opined.

Buschow’s girlfriend, Ingrid Booth, thinks it is something that they will look back on as an anomaly. “It’s not like him. (War For the Planet of the Apes) wasn’t that good. And Todd is a guy who is on Snapchat sometimes when he fucks me.”

Buschow’s buddy, Mark Asbury, was actually distracted by his friend’s apparent commitment to the movie. “He just sat and stared at the screen the whole time.  I thought maybe he was pissed about something.”

While the news was surprising, fortunately no damage was done.

“Nobody had messaged me or anything, so it’s all good,” Buschow sighed.


Rite-Aid CEO Never Informed of Existence of Rain Forest


(Business) On Sunday, a Rite Aid insider,  who wished to remain anonymous, told that he believes that one of the company’s CEOs has literally never heard about the existence of rain forests:

“A bunch of us were having dinner at a convention, and he kept going on about how he wants to make receipts at Rite Aid ‘even longer’ so that the company stands out from other apothecaries. Everyone told him how insane this idea was, and  that the receipts are already ridiculously long.”

He continued: “Then someone at the table  asked him how he felt about what he was undoubtedly doing to the rain forest. His response was, ‘What is that? Is Rain Forest a video game or somethin’?'”

US President, Most Adults, and Entire Government, Now Simply Mirroring Parents Who Should Get Divorced


(Study) According to a new study, the US president, its entire government and most of the country’s adults are mirroring parents who should get a divorce.

“If all of these people were in my office, I would certainly encourage them to explore the idea of divorce”, says Bernard Makkie, PHD, LMFT. “Think of the impact theses dynamics have on children, particularly…

(See full story at )






Scientific Research: All Mass Shooters Have One Thing In Common


(Science)  New scientific data out of The Scholastic Studies Foundation in Rhode Island shows that every single person who goes on a massive shooting spree is “a self-centered, fucking asshole.”

It is not true, as was commonly believed before, that all people who try to shoot a bunch of other people enjoy heavy metal music (just 4%) or playing video games (89%).  Also debunked is the belief that all shooters come from broken homes (92%) or oblivious-to-reality parents (98.9%).

“What is true,” says Gene Lamport, SSF president,  and head of its science department since 2007, “is that a whopping 100% of mass shooters are self-centered, fucking assholes.”

The complete study can be seen at ssfresesrch/

Arod, Realizing 2016 Yankees Are Not Winning Anything, Quits Early


(New York) Alex Rodriguez announced today that he will retire from baseball after the Yankees game this coming Friday.

After an over 20 year career, which included one world championship,  14 All Star appearances,  and three A.L. MVP awards,  Rodriguez is jumping ship mid-season because, according to insiders, he knows there’s no reason to even try anymore if the team is just trading away all the decent players.  “I did tell  him that quitting in the middle of the season, and in the middle of a three game series, sends a bad message. It’s selfish. I told him that kids are watching”, said a longtime friend who wished to remain anonymous.  “He said he was only thinking of himself right up to the very end because ‘he wanted to send a consistent message’ throughout his entire career, up until the last inning he plays.”

The insider continued: “How weird would it be if Alex showed some integrity and played the whole season out at this point, even though there is nothing personally in it that is fun for him anymore?

Beginning next year, Rodriguez will become a team advisor.  Alex explained this decision after the press conference: “I think I would be good in an advisor role for the New York Yankees because, like, if anyone tries to sue them or anything I can help them a lot with that because I have been on the other end of that, literally. I’m being literal, guys.” For more go to