ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake

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(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”

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(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)

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Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  

 

 

 

U.S. Official To Public: “Please Stop Fucking”

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(News – Washington D.C.) Stanley Dounbergh, head of the U.S. Department of Population, took to the podium on Friday to make a desperate plea to United States citizens: “Please stop fucking.” Dounbergh, with statistics in front of him showing how out of control the population is getting, went on: “At least for a while. Let’s let a bunch of people die off before we start enjoying sex again. Right now, there are just too many people. We’ve got to do something.”

Dounbergh’s words were met with dissension from the crowd of about fifty reporters. CDBS columnist Jill Corning flatly stated, “Sex is very popular. People love it. Do you really think it is realistic to ask everyone in the country to abstain from intercourse?  I myself have plans to fuck later this evening.”

“It won’t be easy, if in fact it is realistic at all”, Dounbergh noted, “but if we can all just try to hold out for a while, it will help. Our economy can no longer support the head count. There is roughly one legitimate job to every nine people over the age of eighteen.”

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WRTY reporter Ralph Wilkon was supportive of the idea, and made a public pledge to “give it a go”, but others at the press conference were quick to point out that Wilkon, who is 79, probably wasn’t planning on having sex ever again anyway.

The public meeting ended abruptly when the q&a portion of the event got out of hand, as tempers flared and sarcastic remarks became a din. “Just think about it, people!”, begged Dounbergh, “I don’t like the idea any more than you do.”

 

To make a personal pledge to stop having sex for a year, sign the document at http://www.usgov.2015/sexless.org.

Local Cyclist Says He Actually “Has A Life”

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(Community Voices) Westlake Village resident Brad Tarnek, who often rides a bicycle around his hometown with his buddies, in full, florescent regalia, says he actually “has a life,” despite what it looks like. “I have been married for eight years, I have two beautiful children, and I have a fulfilling job as a numismatist,” explained Tarnek, 44. “I spend time with both my immediate and extended families, and my wife and I enjoy going out for dinner with our friends.”

The news was shocking to some of those present at Cafe Aroma, a local coffeehouse where Tarnek was overheard making said claims.

“I don’t believe a word of it,” chimed Cathy Shoop of Thousand Oaks. “Look at the helmet, the purple exercise knickers, or whatever the hell you call those things. Can you imagine the amount of time he probably spends at Sports Chalet?

Shoop’s friend, Debbie Wixon, agreed: “Look at him. I bet it takes him more time to prepare to go out in public than it takes me. And my husband says it takes me two hours to get ready.”

Tarnek held his ground though, and insisted that he maintains a full, well-balanced life. “My friends and I may look a certain way to people driving by. But I actually speak for a lot of us when I say our lives are full. Cycling is by no means an obsession. It’s just a hobby. Plus, it’s good for a person’s health.”