(Study) Shocking results of a new poll released Thursday show that a whopping 0% of the population like it when a driver tailgates them. “It’s surprising because tailgating is so popular right now,” says Cal-Trans commissioner Cory Reynolds. The poll, which was conducted in May of 2017 by The Southern California Standard of Living Research Corporation (CSLR), asked one thousand motorists if they liked it when they were being tailgated by another driver. 58% of those polled were women, 32% were men, and 10% of those who participated gave answers regarding their gender identity that have yet to be recognized by Merriam-Webster. “Everyone hates it,” continued Reynolds, “but a lot of people do it consistently.” Julie Moss, the assistant president of CSLR thinks she understands why tailgating is still so prevalent: “Many people just don’t give a shit about the experience other people are having. They are in their own worlds and they only care about themselves.”
Years ago, the “Three Second Rule” was taught in high school driving courses, wherein drivers gauge a safe distance between themselves and the car in front of them by timing objects on the side of the road a full three seconds. Moss said that rule is “ancient history” and was “of a time when people were not so increasingly out of their minds.”
(Business) Uber stocks are expected to rise on Monday as a full 24-hours passed this weekend without any of their drivers being accused of raping anyone. “These are good times,” said an unnamed intern for the company, “and everyone here is in a really good mood.” While over 100 drivers have been accused of sexual assault “nothing that bad happened on most of Saturday”, the intern continued.
When asked why so many Uber drivers have been accused of assault, the 32 year old, who has been interning for Uber for two weeks, offered this:
“I think basically anyone can work here.”
(News) Missouri resident Kip Strode, 11, told friends on Wednesday that he thinks someone should make packets of string cheese easier to open. This he declared after successfully unwrapping three string cheese packets from his sack lunch. “I mean, I can open ’em. But sometimes they are just a little tricky. I had to bite (open) that one.”
Kip’s mom, Karen Strode, fully agrees.
“They can be a pain in the rear to open sometimes, can’t they? I’ve had a hard time unwrapping them myself sometimes, and I’m 36 years old. It’s probably a lot more challenging for someone my son’s age. Someone really needs to do something about this. I don’t know about you, but I care a lot about the welfare of children. And not just mine.”
No one from Horizon, the cheese’s manufacturer, could be reached for comment.
(World) According to reports out of London early Thursday, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for “Mile 22”, the most recent Mark Wahlberg film. The declaration came a whole two months after the film’s August 17 release due to “some embarrassment involved”, according to an unnamed inside source. “After we saw the finished product, we realized it was actually much worse than we had anticipated. We knew it was bad, because of its cast and its paper-thin script. But before it went through its final editing stages there was no way to really gauge just how lousy it was going to be.”
“I thought it might be pretty good because it had received some lukewarm reviews,” cried one moviegoer at a cineplex in Troy, NJ, “which is above average for (Wahlberg’s) films.”
This is a developing story. Check back for more details.
(News) According to court papers filed Wednesday, college student Colette Asbury claims that she did not get hired at Golden Panda III due to the color of her hair. “I’m more than qualified for the job. I noticed that everyone who works there is brunette. So it’s my hair. It’s the only thing I can figure. Um, I’m no law student, but I am pretty sure that’s called discrimination.” While Asbury is adamant about following through with her case, and is asking for $1.6 million dollars in damages for “emotional distress”, experts doubt that it will hold up in court. Jay Berg, a public defender who resides near Sandpoint, Idaho, where the incident took place, explains: “She likely doesn’t have a case. The law won’t recognize hair discrimination. The lone exception is where an employee’s hair style is related to a religious belief. Ms. Asbury has not voiced any convictions of this sort. Were that the case, an employer would be wise to consider reasonable accommodations to avoid a claim of religious discrimination. No one from Golden Panda III returned calls for this story.
(Local) Breakfast-goers got an unexpected surprise on Monday when the image of 90’s hip-hop legend Coolio (real name Leon Ivy Jr.) was spotted in a pancake at a Denny’s in Victorville, California. The Coolio “sighting” was the first of its kind in San Bernardino County and caused a minor stir, as about ten onlookers gathered around the table anxious to see if the claim was true.
“It’s him, alright,” insisted Tommy Grume, 43, who had himself ordered the flapjack. “Look! He’s wearing those sunglasses that he always used to wear! If you don’t see it, you’re blind. Or stupid. Just look!”
While the line cooks declined to comment, the on-duty manager emphatically shook her head ‘no’ when we asked her if there was anything unique about how that particular pancake was made.
While Grume was “absolutely certain” it that Coolio’s image was clearly visible in his meal, most of those present disagreed, and did not even see the need to make a big deal out of any of it.
“Come on, get real,” griped Snyder Beenly, a regular and longtime patron. “Ain’t nothing there to see.”
Grume was arrested at the same Denny’s in July for possession of methamphetamine.
(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.
“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,
”There is simply no good reason to do this.”
This is a developing story. Check back for more details.