Prayers Answered? Apple To Unveil iGod 3S in 2017

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(Business) According to technology insiders, 2017 will be the year that Apple finally releases the device that has already received more plaudits than any iPhone, iPod, or wristwatch – it’s the iGod 3S. Gadget Insider Magazine has long predicted the iGod 3S will be the fastest selling Apple product in history.

And just what is the iGod 3S, you ask? It is a small electronic device that holds up to 10GB of prayers. From its user-friendly interface to its four snazzy tropical color options, the iGod 3S is “a slam dunk”, according to Josh Salzman, editor-in-chief of GIM. “A lot of people claim they just don’t have time for prayer in this fast-paced, hustle-bustle world, and this product may literally be a life saver for such folks.”

There are still far more questions than answers, according to Salzman, but there is  a hefty amount of speculation. There is talk of something called an iSky, which would not only house all of the gigabytes of prayers, but also the user’s personal photos, music, and so on. “The iSky would have to be way bigger than the iCloud, obviously,” explains Salzman.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates. 

DVD Players On Backs Of Car Seats Solve Problems For Self-Centered Parents

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(Detroit, MI) According to a new poll, DVD players installed on the backs of car seats are making life a lot easier for selfish parents. Del Leandro, of Berkeley, California, polled 500 egocentric parents between September, 2014 and July of this year. All but one, who was on his cell phone during the poll and never really answered the questions, agreed that the new technology had greatly improved their lives.

“It’s like I only have to be a parent when I feel like it”, rejoiced Adam Colman of Providence, Rhode Island. Colman, who is a father of three, is not alone in his sentiment. Julia Cranfeld of New York City told Leandro, “My daughter is so fucking needy. I just need a goddamn break when I get off work and have to pick her up from day care. It’s like, she has no idea that I had a long day. It’s all about her.” Cranfeld, whose daughter is three years old, went on: “Now I can just put on a cartoon and pretend she’s not there.”

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While virtually every study of human development ever done in the entire history of mankind shows that this kind of thing is the exact opposite of what a child needs in order to grow up emotionally happy and stable, many of the parents polled took a let’s-cross-that-bridge-when-we-get-to-it approach. Jacob Sebring of Yorbalinda, California, when confronted with scientific research and statistics said, “I don’t worry about any long term affects on my son. At around the time he is eighteen years old, I will be divorcing his mom anyway.” But some of those polled where not so flippant, and dwelled on their proclaimed belief that a DVD player on the back of their seats is actually really good for children. Dana Zule from Scranton, Pennsylvania opined, “My kids are so used to it, they don’t even try to talk to me anymore. I think it’s because they really have grown to love cinema. And Police Amademy 5.” 

In the poll, the most frequently repeated comments included:

“I can concentrate more on my own life.”

“They don’t really care about what’s happening anyway, so who cares if I interact with them?”

“It’s cheaper than a babysitter.”