ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake

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(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

School Removes Nets from Tennis Courts to Prevent Kids’ Hurt Feelings

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(News) Faculty members from a California middle school decided to remove all of the nets from their tennis courts on Friday  “in order to prevent even more of the negative emotions already associated with adolescence”, according to the facility’s fitness instructor, Marc Barry.

Barry, whose full title at Oaks Valley Middle School, located in Pruass, Ca., actually reads: Administrative Physical Education Coordinator/Supervisor/Coach, has worked there since 2009 and is adamant about his decision to ”go netless.”

“When a kid hits a tennis ball into the net, he or she feels bad. Is this what we want to teach our kids? Why don’t we just save time and write ‘I CAN’T’ in big red letters on the forehead of every student? Might as well if we wanna go down this road,” says Barry.

Barry’s assistant, Dennis Port, agrees:

”I’ve been an assistant coach for a couple years now, and I watch the kids’ faces when they mess up and hit a ball into the net. We are killing these kids. Every single child is a talented, totally equal, superstar-powerhouse and winner. The nets on our courts were not saying that. In fact, they were lowering the self-esteem of these already fragile human beings.”

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While the tennis court nets are gone and are “never coming back on MY watch”, according to Barry, not everyone associated with the facility agrees with the decision. Former teacher Carrie Benton, who worked at the school from 1974 until she retired in 2012, says she has basically been in a state of shock since first hearing about the decision:

“Is this real? I mean, seriously? Tell me you’re noodling with me. This can’t be really happening. I don’t even know what else to say.”

Moreover, the school’s current Vice Principal, Dean Moorehouse, feels similarly to Benton:

“I will be doing everything within my power to have those nets back up as soon as possible. It’s tennis. The way the game is played…..ah, never mind. I’m not doing this, guys. The fact that I feel even remotely compelled to have to say any of this is beyond all that is absurd.”

An public forum is scheduled to take place on campus on March 12th at 7:30pm.

 

 

 

Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”

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(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)

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Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  

 

 

 

Mother Nature During Rare, Sit-Down Interview: “I Don’t Really Give A Shit About Mankind’s Plans”

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(World) During a rare, sit-down interview on Sunday night, Mother Nature infuriated many by flatly stating, “I don’t really give a shit about mankind’s plans. Sorry. They never factor into any of my decisions.” Her comments, made during a live broadcast of This Spinning Planet with Tom Fallgrow, were “insensitive” and “heartless” according to Ron Syndergard, Director of Programming at WTYN.

Many at WTYN, the small Seattle television station that had broadcast the segment live, were aghast, according to Syndergard: “Mother Nature came off as kind of a bitch. She doesn’t care about people at all. I had never met her before, and I don’t know what I was expecting, but she really hurt our feelings.”

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Her words caused public outcry that has been heard around the world. Henry Gliek, a pastor from New Haven, Connecticut, expressed his disappointment in Mother Nature on his daily radio program, At Home With Christ, on Monday morning’s broadcast: “Mother Nature is no Mother Theresa. The former only seems to care about herself.”

While many were offended, others were quick to point out that none of Mother Nature’s latest comments should be alarming to anyone, and that they do not even constitute news. Sandra Bushlow of Lancaster, California, tweeted: “What’s the big deal? She’s always felt this way! #getagrip #itsmamaskitchen

Still, her comments were widely considered inflammatory. Below are some of the most controversial excerpts from the interview:

“I have no idea what that is, and don’t care to.”  (When asked about the industrial revolution in the United States.)

“Have you asked your own government this?” (When asked if she had anything to do with 9/11.)

“It’s all cute, and to be completely honest, I respect the effort.” (Her response to a question about the overall quality of global infrastructure, and buildings in general.)

The interview will be re-broadcast on October 7th on WTYN.

Mother Nature’s office could not be reached for comment.