ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake

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(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

Man at Local YMCA Always Has Volume on TV Up Way Too Loud, According to Witness

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(Opinion) A man who occasionally works out at a local YMCA always turns the television volume up way too loud, according to an eyewitness who claims she’s seen him do it on multiple occasions.  The woman, who asked that her name not be printed, said, “This guy comes in here (to the cardio room) sometimes and turns on the television, and just blasts the volume like it’s nobody’s business! It’s rude, and it really bothers me and some of the other patrons.”

While no one else we spoke to would publicly comment on the matter, some did corroborate the woman’s story, nodding yes when asked if they’d ever seen the man put the community television set on too loud.

“All the time”, shot one person while hurriedly walking past our conversation.

According to an employee at the front desk of the ‘Y’ (located in Ventura County, California, where the incidents have reportedly taken place), there are no hard and fast policies concerning the matter of television volume.  According to the rules posted on the walls in said facility, everyone is to “be respectful”, but this is somewhat subjective.

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“I know he’s an older gentlemen who maybe can’t hear so good anymore,” the woman continued, “but even so, it wouldn’t kill the YMCA to make some rules about this that are more strict. What comes around goes around.”

I asked her what she meant by ‘what comes around goes around’, but she avoided the question, instead adding: “People need to start showing some more respect around here or I’ll be working out at one of their other locations.”

 

School Removes Nets from Tennis Courts to Prevent Kids’ Hurt Feelings

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(News) Faculty members from a California middle school decided to remove all of the nets from their tennis courts on Friday  “in order to prevent even more of the negative emotions already associated with adolescence”, according to the facility’s fitness instructor, Marc Barry.

Barry, whose full title at Oaks Valley Middle School, located in Pruass, Ca., actually reads: Administrative Physical Education Coordinator/Supervisor/Coach, has worked there since 2009 and is adamant about his decision to ”go netless.”

“When a kid hits a tennis ball into the net, he or she feels bad. Is this what we want to teach our kids? Why don’t we just save time and write ‘I CAN’T’ in big red letters on the forehead of every student? Might as well if we wanna go down this road,” says Barry.

Barry’s assistant, Dennis Port, agrees:

”I’ve been an assistant coach for a couple years now, and I watch the kids’ faces when they mess up and hit a ball into the net. We are killing these kids. Every single child is a talented, totally equal, superstar-powerhouse and winner. The nets on our courts were not saying that. In fact, they were lowering the self-esteem of these already fragile human beings.”

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While the tennis court nets are gone and are “never coming back on MY watch”, according to Barry, not everyone associated with the facility agrees with the decision. Former teacher Carrie Benton, who worked at the school from 1974 until she retired in 2012, says she has basically been in a state of shock since first hearing about the decision:

“Is this real? I mean, seriously? Tell me you’re noodling with me. This can’t be really happening. I don’t even know what else to say.”

Moreover, the school’s current Vice Principal, Dean Moorehouse, feels similarly to Benton:

“I will be doing everything within my power to have those nets back up as soon as possible. It’s tennis. The way the game is played…..ah, never mind. I’m not doing this, guys. The fact that I feel even remotely compelled to have to say any of this is beyond all that is absurd.”

An public forum is scheduled to take place on campus on March 12th at 7:30pm.

 

 

 

Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”

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(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)

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Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  

 

 

 

U.S. Official To Public: “Please Stop Fucking”

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(News – Washington D.C.) Stanley Dounbergh, head of the U.S. Department of Population, took to the podium on Friday to make a desperate plea to United States citizens: “Please stop fucking.” Dounbergh, with statistics in front of him showing how out of control the population is getting, went on: “At least for a while. Let’s let a bunch of people die off before we start enjoying sex again. Right now, there are just too many people. We’ve got to do something.”

Dounbergh’s words were met with dissension from the crowd of about fifty reporters. CDBS columnist Jill Corning flatly stated, “Sex is very popular. People love it. Do you really think it is realistic to ask everyone in the country to abstain from intercourse?  I myself have plans to fuck later this evening.”

“It won’t be easy, if in fact it is realistic at all”, Dounbergh noted, “but if we can all just try to hold out for a while, it will help. Our economy can no longer support the head count. There is roughly one legitimate job to every nine people over the age of eighteen.”

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WRTY reporter Ralph Wilkon was supportive of the idea, and made a public pledge to “give it a go”, but others at the press conference were quick to point out that Wilkon, who is 79, probably wasn’t planning on having sex ever again anyway.

The public meeting ended abruptly when the q&a portion of the event got out of hand, as tempers flared and sarcastic remarks became a din. “Just think about it, people!”, begged Dounbergh, “I don’t like the idea any more than you do.”

 

To make a personal pledge to stop having sex for a year, sign the document at http://www.usgov.2015/sexless.org.