Porsche Designer: “Finally, Our Cars Look Just Like Toyotas”

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(Technology) In an anonymous interview on Tuesday, a designer working for Porsche expressed relief over the fact that the burden to be unique has ended, and that many new Porsches were designed simply to look all but identical to Toyotas. “Trying to be different is really hard. You have to have an inventive mind to do that sort of thing. It is exhausting. It is easier to just copy the work of others. I am happy to report that, finally, our cars look just like Toyotas.”

The designer, who asked that his name not be published, went on to admit that he himself could “no longer really tell the difference between an SUV made by Porsche and an SUV made by virtually any other motor company,” and that this was part of a deliberate plan.

“For many years, we racked our brains to come up with unique designs, and for a long time we did, but after a while the pressure overwhelmed us. So in recent years we just figured, if a design is good enough for Toyota, and GMC, and Jeep, and Kia, and Audi, and Subaru, it is good enough for Porsche.”

When asked if he or anyone else at the company felt bad for contributing to the slow but certain demise of the world-famous Porsche brand name, he laughed and said, “I don’t hear anyone really complaining. It is what it is.”

Prayers Answered? Apple To Unveil iGod 3S in 2017

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(Business) According to technology insiders, 2017 will be the year that Apple finally releases the device that has already received more plaudits than any iPhone, iPod, or wristwatch – it’s the iGod 3S. Gadget Insider Magazine has long predicted the iGod 3S will be the fastest selling Apple product in history.

And just what is the iGod 3S, you ask? It is a small electronic device that holds up to 10GB of prayers. From its user-friendly interface to its four snazzy tropical color options, the iGod 3S is “a slam dunk”, according to Josh Salzman, editor-in-chief of GIM. “A lot of people claim they just don’t have time for prayer in this fast-paced, hustle-bustle world, and this product may literally be a life saver for such folks.”

There are still far more questions than answers, according to Salzman, but there is  a hefty amount of speculation. There is talk of something called an iSky, which would not only house all of the gigabytes of prayers, but also the user’s personal photos, music, and so on. “The iSky would have to be way bigger than the iCloud, obviously,” explains Salzman.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates. 

“Love Ya” Actually Means “I Resent You For Something, But Know I Probably Shouldn’t “

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(Psychology) Reknown psychologist Jennifer Caspara LMFT, PHD, recently wrote in the Oxford Study Of Daily Human Emotions Weekly that, well, people don’t always say what they mean. Most of us already know this, however, but the real bombshell Caspara drops in her recent article is that sometimes humans mean the exact opposite of what they actually say. In her thesis, Caspara states that when someone says, “Love Ya”, they might as well be saying, “I hate you right now, you asshole.” Particularly if the person being spoken to was once a recipient of one or more “I Love You”‘s.

“‘Love Ya’ is really a demotion,” explains Caspara, “and one must pay careful attention to the linguistic codes. Ideally, you want to go from hearing ‘Love Ya’ to ‘I Love You’, and not the other way around. After you’ve heard ‘I Love You’ from someone, you never want to hear them say ‘Love Ya’. It would be more honest of them to say, “I used to have strong, positive emotions surrounding our relationship, but now I’m starting to dislike you a lot. I know I shouldn’t be mad. I know society would tell me that my anger in this situation is silly, so I am going to try to sneak out of saying the phrase ‘I Love You’ and just hope you won’t notice until I can sort out my shit.”

Caspara also believes that just about everyone unconsciously knows all of this is all true, but feels many will argue with her in order for them to continue saying “Love Ya” to people they don’t like, in order to avoid a) confrontation, and b) looking honestly at themselves.

“Many adults pretend that they want to have close, meaningful relationships with other people,” she continued, “but they are unwilling to do the work it takes because it is difficult.”

DVD Players On Backs Of Car Seats Solve Problems For Self-Centered Parents

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(Detroit, MI) According to a new poll, DVD players installed on the backs of car seats are making life a lot easier for selfish parents. Del Leandro, of Berkeley, California, polled 500 egocentric parents between September, 2014 and July of this year. All but one, who was on his cell phone during the poll and never really answered the questions, agreed that the new technology had greatly improved their lives.

“It’s like I only have to be a parent when I feel like it”, rejoiced Adam Colman of Providence, Rhode Island. Colman, who is a father of three, is not alone in his sentiment. Julia Cranfeld of New York City told Leandro, “My daughter is so fucking needy. I just need a goddamn break when I get off work and have to pick her up from day care. It’s like, she has no idea that I had a long day. It’s all about her.” Cranfeld, whose daughter is three years old, went on: “Now I can just put on a cartoon and pretend she’s not there.”

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While virtually every study of human development ever done in the entire history of mankind shows that this kind of thing is the exact opposite of what a child needs in order to grow up emotionally happy and stable, many of the parents polled took a let’s-cross-that-bridge-when-we-get-to-it approach. Jacob Sebring of Yorbalinda, California, when confronted with scientific research and statistics said, “I don’t worry about any long term affects on my son. At around the time he is eighteen years old, I will be divorcing his mom anyway.” But some of those polled where not so flippant, and dwelled on their proclaimed belief that a DVD player on the back of their seats is actually really good for children. Dana Zule from Scranton, Pennsylvania opined, “My kids are so used to it, they don’t even try to talk to me anymore. I think it’s because they really have grown to love cinema. And Police Amademy 5.” 

In the poll, the most frequently repeated comments included:

“I can concentrate more on my own life.”

“They don’t really care about what’s happening anyway, so who cares if I interact with them?”

“It’s cheaper than a babysitter.”

Looking Back, Jared Always Seemed “Pedophile-esque”

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(Opinion) The first time Jared Fogle appeared in a commercial for the Subway food chain, I thought to myself, “I bet he likes kids. Not likes kids, but likes likes kids.”  For that reason, the very successful ad campaign never got me to eat at the restaurant. In fact, the very thought of the face of their franchise always made me feel like I could wait to eat.  Yet I am clearly far removed from the zeitgeist; the marketing campaign with Mr. Fogle was the most profitable fast food  advertising campaign in history.

Even though there is nothing remotely humorous about the charges, or what his poor loved ones must be going through, I can’t help but wonder if he ever made a “six inch” or “footlong” reference during any of his deplorable come-ons.

In summary, my opinion is aimless and without point. I’ve always eaten at McDonald’s, and Ronald McDonald is ten times creepier than Jared.