Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”

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(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)

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Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  

 

 

 

Heterosexual Man Spotted at a Panera Bread

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(News) A heterosexual man was spotted eating lunch at a Panera Bread located in Tom’s River, New Jersey on Saturday.  Phil Darwell, of White Plains, New York,  stopped there with his family for lunch while on vacation.

Darwell works for New Jersey Transit, has been married for 17 years, and has two children, 16 and 9.

Cookin’ Corner: How To Make An Amazing Root Beer Float

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(Recipe) If you’re anything like me, there are times in life when you are overcome with the desire to make a delicious, refreshing treat for yourself or your loved ones. When this mood strikes me, the solution is obvious: Root Beer Float. It’s easy if you have vanilla ice cream, root beer, a half hour, and the proper amount of counter space. Below are step by step instructions for one of the most amazing desserts ever created. Enjoy! Or as they say in France, Bon Appetit!

Ingredients Needed:

Vanilla Ice Cream (literally any kind)

Root Beer (literally any kind)

Directions:

Using a mug (or a glass of literally any kind – doesn’t matter), combine the ice cream with the root beer.

Looking Back, Jared Always Seemed “Pedophile-esque”

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(Opinion) The first time Jared Fogle appeared in a commercial for the Subway food chain, I thought to myself, “I bet he likes kids. Not likes kids, but likes likes kids.”  For that reason, the very successful ad campaign never got me to eat at the restaurant. In fact, the very thought of the face of their franchise always made me feel like I could wait to eat.  Yet I am clearly far removed from the zeitgeist; the marketing campaign with Mr. Fogle was the most profitable fast food  advertising campaign in history.

Even though there is nothing remotely humorous about the charges, or what his poor loved ones must be going through, I can’t help but wonder if he ever made a “six inch” or “footlong” reference during any of his deplorable come-ons.

In summary, my opinion is aimless and without point. I’ve always eaten at McDonald’s, and Ronald McDonald is ten times creepier than Jared.