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Mother Nature During Rare, Sit-Down Interview: “I Don’t Really Give A Shit About Mankind’s Plans”

/ T.H. Loomis / Leave a comment

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(World) During a rare, sit-down interview on Sunday night, Mother Nature infuriated many by flatly stating, “I don’t really give a shit about mankind’s plans. Sorry. They never factor into any of my decisions.” Her comments, made during a live broadcast of This Spinning Planet with Tom Fallgrow, were “insensitive” and “heartless” according to Ron Syndergard, Director of Programming at WTYN.

Many at WTYN, the small Seattle television station that had broadcast the segment live, were aghast, according to Syndergard: “Mother Nature came off as kind of a bitch. She doesn’t care about people at all. I had never met her before, and I don’t know what I was expecting, but she really hurt our feelings.”

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Her words caused public outcry that has been heard around the world. Henry Gliek, a pastor from New Haven, Connecticut, expressed his disappointment in Mother Nature on his daily radio program, At Home With Christ, on Monday morning’s broadcast: “Mother Nature is no Mother Theresa. The former only seems to care about herself.”

While many were offended, others were quick to point out that none of Mother Nature’s latest comments should be alarming to anyone, and that they do not even constitute news. Sandra Bushlow of Lancaster, California, tweeted: “What’s the big deal? She’s always felt this way! #getagrip #itsmamaskitchen

Still, her comments were widely considered inflammatory. Below are some of the most controversial excerpts from the interview:

“I have no idea what that is, and don’t care to.”  (When asked about the industrial revolution in the United States.)

“Have you asked your own government this?” (When asked if she had anything to do with 9/11.)

“It’s all cute, and to be completely honest, I respect the effort.” (Her response to a question about the overall quality of global infrastructure, and buildings in general.)

The interview will be re-broadcast on October 7th on WTYN.

Mother Nature’s office could not be reached for comment.

Medicine To Help ‘Common Clearing Of The Throat’ Awaits FDA Approval

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(Health) Relief might be on the horizon for the billions of people afflicted by BAFS (“Brief Accumulation of Phlegm Syndrome”). Otherwise known as “the clearing of the throat”, or, “coughing”, BAFS has become so common that the mathematical probability of knowing a sufferer stands still at 100%. And the picture gets no brighter when you look at the odds of being diagnosed yourself. “Unfortunately, 10 out of 10 people will personally encounter BAFS in his or her lifetime,” explains Henry Stein, M.D., one of the biochemists who helped create Fleyderchomerdehm, which is scheduled for FDA review in Spring, 2018.

“The level of unanimous, global acceptance of BAFS startles me,” said Stein, “and for many years I felt all alone in my concern.”

While known side effects of Fleyderchomerdehm include seizures, irreversible hearing loss, and pancreatitis, the benefits far outweigh the cons, according to Stein.

“One of the patients, a man I treat in my private practice, has to clear his throat several times during the course of a brief conversation. Sadly, this is no anomaly”, continued Stein, “it is the norm.”

Prayers Answered? Apple To Unveil iGod 3S in 2017

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(Business) According to technology insiders, 2017 will be the year that Apple finally releases the device that has already received more plaudits than any iPhone, iPod, or wristwatch – it’s the iGod 3S. Gadget Insider Magazine has long predicted the iGod 3S will be the fastest selling Apple product in history.

And just what is the iGod 3S, you ask? It is a small electronic device that holds up to 10GB of prayers. From its user-friendly interface to its four snazzy tropical color options, the iGod 3S is “a slam dunk”, according to Josh Salzman, editor-in-chief of GIM. “A lot of people claim they just don’t have time for prayer in this fast-paced, hustle-bustle world, and this product may literally be a life saver for such folks.”

There are still far more questions than answers, according to Salzman, but there is  a hefty amount of speculation. There is talk of something called an iSky, which would not only house all of the gigabytes of prayers, but also the user’s personal photos, music, and so on. “The iSky would have to be way bigger than the iCloud, obviously,” explains Salzman.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates. 

“Love Ya” Actually Means “I Resent You For Something, But Know I Probably Shouldn’t “

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(Psychology) Reknown psychologist Jennifer Caspara LMFT, PHD, recently wrote in the Oxford Study Of Daily Human Emotions Weekly that, well, people don’t always say what they mean. Most of us already know this, however, but the real bombshell Caspara drops in her recent article is that sometimes humans mean the exact opposite of what they actually say. In her thesis, Caspara states that when someone says, “Love Ya”, they might as well be saying, “I hate you right now, you asshole.” Particularly if the person being spoken to was once a recipient of one or more “I Love You”‘s.

“‘Love Ya’ is really a demotion,” explains Caspara, “and one must pay careful attention to the linguistic codes. Ideally, you want to go from hearing ‘Love Ya’ to ‘I Love You’, and not the other way around. After you’ve heard ‘I Love You’ from someone, you never want to hear them say ‘Love Ya’. It would be more honest of them to say, “I used to have strong, positive emotions surrounding our relationship, but now I’m starting to dislike you a lot. I know I shouldn’t be mad. I know society would tell me that my anger in this situation is silly, so I am going to try to sneak out of saying the phrase ‘I Love You’ and just hope you won’t notice until I can sort out my shit.”

Caspara also believes that just about everyone unconsciously knows all of this is all true, but feels many will argue with her in order for them to continue saying “Love Ya” to people they don’t like, in order to avoid a) confrontation, and b) looking honestly at themselves.

“Many adults pretend that they want to have close, meaningful relationships with other people,” she continued, “but they are unwilling to do the work it takes because it is difficult.”

Looking Back, Jared Always Seemed “Pedophile-esque”

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(Opinion) The first time Jared Fogle appeared in a commercial for the Subway food chain, I thought to myself, “I bet he likes kids. Not likes kids, but likes likes kids.”  For that reason, the very successful ad campaign never got me to eat at the restaurant. In fact, the very thought of the face of their franchise always made me feel like I could wait to eat.  Yet I am clearly far removed from the zeitgeist; the marketing campaign with Mr. Fogle was the most profitable fast food  advertising campaign in history.

Even though there is nothing remotely humorous about the charges, or what his poor loved ones must be going through, I can’t help but wonder if he ever made a “six inch” or “footlong” reference during any of his deplorable come-ons.

In summary, my opinion is aimless and without point. I’ve always eaten at McDonald’s, and Ronald McDonald is ten times creepier than Jared.