“ASK RICHARD” – Belligerent, Inebriated, and Full Of Advice For Our Readers

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Richard Gutierrez is a construction worker who was born and raised in Laredo, Texas. Here, Richard answers a question sent in by one of our very own readers.

Dear Richard,

I am fifteen years old, and I want a tattoo. My mom won’t let me get one, and it doesn’t seem fair. All of my friends have tattoos! Plus, I have been saving money for almost two years and can afford to get exactly what I want. My mom refuses to see my reasoning. She says that as long as I am living under her roof I have to go by her rules. She says I need to wait until I’m 18 before I can even consider it. What do you think? How can I get her to see my way?

Sincerely,

Ryan Sternberg – Yonkers, NY

Dear Ryan,

My fucking dog bit me today and it’s like dude what the fuck. He is a Pit named Grinder and he is a puppy but still I mean come on. My wife didn’t want me to get him in the first place but it’s like fuck you bitch I pay the bills! Know what I mean? America used to be different. I can’t believe the crap that’s going on nowadays. Plus both my cousins are all fucked up on crystal.

– Richard

Looking Back, Jared Always Seemed “Pedophile-esque”

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(Opinion) The first time Jared Fogle appeared in a commercial for the Subway food chain, I thought to myself, “I bet he likes kids. Not likes kids, but likes likes kids.”  For that reason, the very successful ad campaign never got me to eat at the restaurant. In fact, the very thought of the face of their franchise always made me feel like I could wait to eat.  Yet I am clearly far removed from the zeitgeist; the marketing campaign with Mr. Fogle was the most profitable fast food  advertising campaign in history.

Even though there is nothing remotely humorous about the charges, or what his poor loved ones must be going through, I can’t help but wonder if he ever made a “six inch” or “footlong” reference during any of his deplorable come-ons.

In summary, my opinion is aimless and without point. I’ve always eaten at McDonald’s, and Ronald McDonald is ten times creepier than Jared.