U.S. Official To Public: “Please Stop Fucking”



(News – Washington D.C.) Stanley Dounbergh, head of the U.S. Department of Population, took to the podium on Friday to make a desperate plea to United States citizens: “Please stop fucking.” Dounbergh, with statistics in front of him showing how out of control the population is getting, went on: “At least for a while. Let’s let a bunch of people die off before we start enjoying sex again. Right now, there are just too many people. We’ve got to do something.”

Dounbergh’s words were met with dissension from the crowd of about fifty reporters. CDBS columnist Jill Corning flatly stated, “Sex is very popular. People love it. Do you really think it is realistic to ask everyone in the country to abstain from intercourse?  I myself have plans to fuck later this evening.”

“It won’t be easy, if in fact it is realistic at all”, Dounbergh noted, “but if we can all just try to hold out for a while, it will help. Our economy can no longer support the head count. There is roughly one legitimate job to every nine people over the age of eighteen.”


WRTY reporter Ralph Wilkon was supportive of the idea, and made a public pledge to “give it a go”, but others at the press conference were quick to point out that Wilkon, who is 79, probably wasn’t planning on having sex ever again anyway.

The public meeting ended abruptly when the q&a portion of the event got out of hand, as tempers flared and sarcastic remarks became a din. “Just think about it, people!”, begged Dounbergh, “I don’t like the idea any more than you do.”


To make a personal pledge to stop having sex for a year, sign the document at http://www.usgov.2015/sexless.org.

Man Who Owns ‘Smart Car’ Insists Women Still Find Him Attractive


(Local News) During a casual luncheon on Thursday, San Diego resident Daniel Winslow, who owns and drives a Smart Car, adamantly declared that women still find him sexually attractive. Winslow, 31, works as an assistant office coordinator for a small internet advertising firm located in Imperial Beach, California. “I go on a lot of dates, believe you me,” shot back Winslow, when asked if his new ride was having a negative impact on his love life. “And the women I hook up with are hot, too. You should see ’em,” continued Winslow, “they are beautiful.”

While his current status on Facebook is ‘single’, Winslow says he is in no hurry to settle down: “This is the best time in my life. I suppose that one might say I am sowing my wild oats.”

Mike Schoenberg, a co-worker, and one of Winlow’s closest friends, said nothing to either support or dispute his buddy’s statements. “Hey, he’s a good looking guy. And he spends a lot of time at the gym,” said Schoenberg, “but I’m not one to talk about anyone’s personal business, if that’s where this is going,”