(Study) “We can’t find ’em’,” sighed Sociology Professor Harold Greeley, “not a single one. In fact, every single person we spoke to face to face insisted that he or she were a good driver.” Roughly five years ago, Greeley, who teaches at the prestigious Hungington School Of Thought in Southern California, noticed that society itself was collectively losing its ability to drive, and began interviewing motorists, whilst documenting his findings in HST Quarterly.

“The tailgating, the swerving in and out of traffic, the complete lack of consideration for other drivers – people drive like a bunch of fucking idiots. I wanted to talk to these people so we could learn more about their brains.”

Yet from the outset, Greeley’s research project seemed doomed. “I could clearly spot shitty drivers on the road. But I was never able to find one in person. I came to the conclusion that all of the terrible drivers in the world must go and hide somewhere when they are not behind the wheel, because I couldnt find any of them. And I don’t know where they go.”

Neither do Greeley’s partners in the now-closed project.

“I was in charge of tracking down bad drivers in Asia and Rhode Island. Those were my districts,” sighed Larry Cull, an Indiana Social Studies teacher who worked with Greeley from 2010 until the end of the study. “But everyone I spoke to said they were good at driving.”

Nonetheless, they are not throwing in the towel just yet. “Next year, we are going to start a project where we talk to people about their friends‘ driving,” explained Cull. “Hopefully, that tactic will help us locate some of these complete fucking asshole drivers.”