ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake

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(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

Neighbor Says Message on Family’s Welcome Mat “Not Consistent With Who They Really Are”

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(Local) A quiet Arizona neighborhood got a little louder this week when Prescott resident Corey Bilius called out his next door neighbors for having a welcome mat that does not accurately portray who they really are.

“You can’t believe everything you read on a welcome mat”, complained Bilius, who noticed on Friday that his next door neighbors Kayla Ostermann and Rory Klem keep a mat in front of their door that reads, Welcome To Our Love Nest.

“They fight all the time”, explained Bilius, 24, who has lived next door to the couple for about three months. “My dad almost called the cops on ‘em one time, but he changed his mind.”

Bilius first saw the mat while returning a piece of mail that was erroneously delivered to him:

“I had no idea it was there because I’d never been on their property before. But then I saw it and thought to myself, ‘Oh right, this is a love nest for sure. More like a fight nest!’ I mean, it struck me as being a very dishonest message, not consistent with who they really are.”

Added Bilius, “And I don’t know about you, but I am a big believer of honesty. Honesty is huge for me. Ask anybody.”

According to the hostess at IHOP, where Bilius spoke freely to us while waiting for his “breakfast date”, the couple in question have lived in their house for over five years and have two children.

 

 

 

 

Man at Local YMCA Always Has Volume on TV Up Way Too Loud, According to Witness

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(Opinion) A man who occasionally works out at a local YMCA always turns the television volume up way too loud, according to an eyewitness who claims she’s seen him do it on multiple occasions.  The woman, who asked that her name not be printed, said, “This guy comes in here (to the cardio room) sometimes and turns on the television, and just blasts the volume like it’s nobody’s business! It’s rude, and it really bothers me and some of the other patrons.”

While no one else we spoke to would publicly comment on the matter, some did corroborate the woman’s story, nodding yes when asked if they’d ever seen the man put the community television set on too loud.

“All the time”, shot one person while hurriedly walking past our conversation.

According to an employee at the front desk of the ‘Y’ (located in Ventura County, California, where the incidents have reportedly taken place), there are no hard and fast policies concerning the matter of television volume.  According to the rules posted on the walls in said facility, everyone is to “be respectful”, but this is somewhat subjective.

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“I know he’s an older gentlemen who maybe can’t hear so good anymore,” the woman continued, “but even so, it wouldn’t kill the YMCA to make some rules about this that are more strict. What comes around goes around.”

I asked her what she meant by ‘what comes around goes around’, but she avoided the question, instead adding: “People need to start showing some more respect around here or I’ll be working out at one of their other locations.”

 

School Removes Nets from Tennis Courts to Prevent Kids’ Hurt Feelings

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(News) Faculty members from a California middle school decided to remove all of the nets from their tennis courts on Friday  “in order to prevent even more of the negative emotions already associated with adolescence”, according to the facility’s fitness instructor, Marc Barry.

Barry, whose full title at Oaks Valley Middle School, located in Pruass, Ca., actually reads: Administrative Physical Education Coordinator/Supervisor/Coach, has worked there since 2009 and is adamant about his decision to ”go netless.”

“When a kid hits a tennis ball into the net, he or she feels bad. Is this what we want to teach our kids? Why don’t we just save time and write ‘I CAN’T’ in big red letters on the forehead of every student? Might as well if we wanna go down this road,” says Barry.

Barry’s assistant, Dennis Port, agrees:

”I’ve been an assistant coach for a couple years now, and I watch the kids’ faces when they mess up and hit a ball into the net. We are killing these kids. Every single child is a talented, totally equal, superstar-powerhouse and winner. The nets on our courts were not saying that. In fact, they were lowering the self-esteem of these already fragile human beings.”

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While the tennis court nets are gone and are “never coming back on MY watch”, according to Barry, not everyone associated with the facility agrees with the decision. Former teacher Carrie Benton, who worked at the school from 1974 until she retired in 2012, says she has basically been in a state of shock since first hearing about the decision:

“Is this real? I mean, seriously? Tell me you’re noodling with me. This can’t be really happening. I don’t even know what else to say.”

Moreover, the school’s current Vice Principal, Dean Moorehouse, feels similarly to Benton:

“I will be doing everything within my power to have those nets back up as soon as possible. It’s tennis. The way the game is played…..ah, never mind. I’m not doing this, guys. The fact that I feel even remotely compelled to have to say any of this is beyond all that is absurd.”

An public forum is scheduled to take place on campus on March 12th at 7:30pm.

 

 

 

U.S. Official To Public: “Please Stop Fucking”

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(News – Washington D.C.) Stanley Dounbergh, head of the U.S. Department of Population, took to the podium on Friday to make a desperate plea to United States citizens: “Please stop fucking.” Dounbergh, with statistics in front of him showing how out of control the population is getting, went on: “At least for a while. Let’s let a bunch of people die off before we start enjoying sex again. Right now, there are just too many people. We’ve got to do something.”

Dounbergh’s words were met with dissension from the crowd of about fifty reporters. CDBS columnist Jill Corning flatly stated, “Sex is very popular. People love it. Do you really think it is realistic to ask everyone in the country to abstain from intercourse?  I myself have plans to fuck later this evening.”

“It won’t be easy, if in fact it is realistic at all”, Dounbergh noted, “but if we can all just try to hold out for a while, it will help. Our economy can no longer support the head count. There is roughly one legitimate job to every nine people over the age of eighteen.”

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WRTY reporter Ralph Wilkon was supportive of the idea, and made a public pledge to “give it a go”, but others at the press conference were quick to point out that Wilkon, who is 79, probably wasn’t planning on having sex ever again anyway.

The public meeting ended abruptly when the q&a portion of the event got out of hand, as tempers flared and sarcastic remarks became a din. “Just think about it, people!”, begged Dounbergh, “I don’t like the idea any more than you do.”

 

To make a personal pledge to stop having sex for a year, sign the document at http://www.usgov.2015/sexless.org.

Mother Nature During Rare, Sit-Down Interview: “I Don’t Really Give A Shit About Mankind’s Plans”

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(World) During a rare, sit-down interview on Sunday night, Mother Nature infuriated many by flatly stating, “I don’t really give a shit about mankind’s plans. Sorry. They never factor into any of my decisions.” Her comments, made during a live broadcast of This Spinning Planet with Tom Fallgrow, were “insensitive” and “heartless” according to Ron Syndergard, Director of Programming at WTYN.

Many at WTYN, the small Seattle television station that had broadcast the segment live, were aghast, according to Syndergard: “Mother Nature came off as kind of a bitch. She doesn’t care about people at all. I had never met her before, and I don’t know what I was expecting, but she really hurt our feelings.”

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Her words caused public outcry that has been heard around the world. Henry Gliek, a pastor from New Haven, Connecticut, expressed his disappointment in Mother Nature on his daily radio program, At Home With Christ, on Monday morning’s broadcast: “Mother Nature is no Mother Theresa. The former only seems to care about herself.”

While many were offended, others were quick to point out that none of Mother Nature’s latest comments should be alarming to anyone, and that they do not even constitute news. Sandra Bushlow of Lancaster, California, tweeted: “What’s the big deal? She’s always felt this way! #getagrip #itsmamaskitchen

Still, her comments were widely considered inflammatory. Below are some of the most controversial excerpts from the interview:

“I have no idea what that is, and don’t care to.”  (When asked about the industrial revolution in the United States.)

“Have you asked your own government this?” (When asked if she had anything to do with 9/11.)

“It’s all cute, and to be completely honest, I respect the effort.” (Her response to a question about the overall quality of global infrastructure, and buildings in general.)

The interview will be re-broadcast on October 7th on WTYN.

Mother Nature’s office could not be reached for comment.

Evidentially, Every Single Bad Driver On Earth Hides From Society When Not Behind The Wheel

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(Study) “We can’t find ’em’,” sighed Sociology Professor Harold Greeley, “not a single one. In fact, every single person we spoke to face to face insisted that he or she were a good driver.” Roughly five years ago, Greeley, who teaches at the prestigious Hungington School Of Thought in Southern California, noticed that society itself was collectively losing its ability to drive, and began interviewing motorists, whilst documenting his findings in HST Quarterly.

“The tailgating, the swerving in and out of traffic, the complete lack of consideration for other drivers – people drive like a bunch of fucking idiots. I wanted to talk to these people so we could learn more about their brains.”

Yet from the outset, Greeley’s research project seemed doomed. “I could clearly spot shitty drivers on the road. But I was never able to find one in person. I came to the conclusion that all of the terrible drivers in the world must go and hide somewhere when they are not behind the wheel, because I couldnt find any of them. And I don’t know where they go.”

Neither do Greeley’s partners in the now-closed project.

“I was in charge of tracking down bad drivers in Asia and Rhode Island. Those were my districts,” sighed Larry Cull, an Indiana Social Studies teacher who worked with Greeley from 2010 until the end of the study. “But everyone I spoke to said they were good at driving.”

Nonetheless, they are not throwing in the towel just yet. “Next year, we are going to start a project where we talk to people about their friends‘ driving,” explained Cull. “Hopefully, that tactic will help us locate some of these complete fucking asshole drivers.”

Unless Hiking Or On A School Campus, A Man Carrying A Backpack Is Always “Kinda Creepy”

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(Research) Unless hiking, or on a school campus, a man carrying a backpack is always “kinda creepy”, according to a new independent study done by researchers at the Swiss Department Of Social Sciences. The research project, headed by department founder, Noah Rorschach, polled roughly 800 U.S, residents, both male and female, between the ages of 18 and 50. The study asked people to write down their first five thoughts when shown a short video of a man walking down a street carrying a backpack. Below are the five most frequently repeated responses:

5) “Probably a murderer.”

4) “What is he hiding?”

3) “Doesn’t he have a home?”

2) “He has drugs on him, for sure.”

1) “Kinda creepy.”

During the study, all participants were also shown two other photos: one of the same man with the same backpack walking on a college campus, and another of the same man hiking in the wilderness.

“Hey, totally different thing,” explained Rorschach, “I mean there’s nothing odd about a guy with a backpack in those two scenarios.”

The full report will be published next month, and can be viewed at http://www.sdss.gov/study/dosanddonts/bp

Local Cyclist Says He Actually “Has A Life”

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(Community Voices) Westlake Village resident Brad Tarnek, who often rides a bicycle around his hometown with his buddies, in full, florescent regalia, says he actually “has a life,” despite what it looks like. “I have been married for eight years, I have two beautiful children, and I have a fulfilling job as a numismatist,” explained Tarnek, 44. “I spend time with both my immediate and extended families, and my wife and I enjoy going out for dinner with our friends.”

The news was shocking to some of those present at Cafe Aroma, a local coffeehouse where Tarnek was overheard making said claims.

“I don’t believe a word of it,” chimed Cathy Shoop of Thousand Oaks. “Look at the helmet, the purple exercise knickers, or whatever the hell you call those things. Can you imagine the amount of time he probably spends at Sports Chalet?

Shoop’s friend, Debbie Wixon, agreed: “Look at him. I bet it takes him more time to prepare to go out in public than it takes me. And my husband says it takes me two hours to get ready.”

Tarnek held his ground though, and insisted that he maintains a full, well-balanced life. “My friends and I may look a certain way to people driving by. But I actually speak for a lot of us when I say our lives are full. Cycling is by no means an obsession. It’s just a hobby. Plus, it’s good for a person’s health.”