“Popular” Facebook User Admits He Has No Actual Friends


(News) Facebook user Jamison Malden admitted on Saturday that he has no actual friends, despite the fact that his user profile boasts well over 700 of them. “782, to be exact,” explained Malden, a New York City denizen who recently turned 34.

“I am very popular on Facebook and LinkedIn,” Malden continued, “but if I’m going to be completely honest with you, lately, I’m not even sure if I have one actual friend. You know, someone I can count on when things get tough. Someone who will stand by you no matter what.”

Meghan Katz dated Malden until late last year, and feels that his claim is completely accurate: “Oh my god, he is absolutely right. (He has) no friends at all. None. Know why? Because he’s a dick. That’s why.”

When Katz’ name was mentioned, Malden clearly saddened, quietly saying, “You talked to her?” before falling silent for almost a half hour, despite many repeated attempts to continue the interview.

Someone not at a loss for words, however, was Katz:

“We were together almost two years. He is a liar.  His whole life is one big fat lie. He has a decent job, but he spends all his money on alcohol and drugs. Oh, and sports memorabilia. He’s always talking to people, ya know, surrounded by a crowd and all, but you know what? Nobody likes him. Because he’s not that nice. He’s what I like to call ‘fake nice.’ He’s manipulative, and that’s that. You act that way, you have no friends. No matter what you say online.”

Malden’s older brother, Grant, who lives in nearby Patterson, New Jersey, doesn’t entirely agree with Katz, saying, “Ah, she (Katz) is just butt hurt, yo. My brother is aight. He aight.”

Grant (who, for the record, is, like his brother, Caucasian) confesses he has not spent time with Jamison since March or April of 2012.



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