Cellphones Containing Holes That You Can Finally Just Shove Your Dick Into Will Be Ready by 2019, Developers

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(Technology) The wait is almost over. Developers declared on Wednesday that by 2019, many new cellphones will contain ALDH (A Literal Dick Hole).  The notion of finally just adding ALDH to cellular devices is not new, but is something that has been discussed by designers in Silicon Valley for over a decade now. However, Kile Moffit, III, CEO and founder of StreriOID Software, is ALDH’s chief-designer, and stated, “It’s time to take that final step towards our complete separation of ourselves from other people. It’s really the only thing that you can’t do with your phone yet. ALDH finally closes the circle and makes every man a complete island, which is evidently exactly what he wants now.”

The annual WhatsAppining Convention, held every January in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, found consumers already buzzing:

“I can’t wait to fuck my phone,” exclaimed  Todd Brock, 36, from Denver. “It’s my best friend. I think I have kids, but I like my phone better.”

Gabriel Corbit, 20, from Lyman, Nebraska, agreed: “I think it’s pretty cool. I already know how long I can keep it up with a girl. But this is going to be interesting.”

Erik Melding, 50, who flew to the convention from Sisters, Oregon: “I hope Apple will decide to carry this new dick tech. Cuz’ I’m not getting rid of my iPhone, even though my step-daughter thinks I should. And I hope there are going to be different sized holes, know what I mean? Not bragging if it’s true, guy.”

Moffit was eager to point out that the dick holes will be “adjustable in size, and therefore something practically every man can enjoy.”

Will women be able to get in on the fun? “Absolutely”, said Moffit. “May, 2020 should see the release of our ACPO models for women. The ACPO (A Cock Pops Out) models are just like the ones with ALDH, “only heavier”, explained Moffit, “because of the metallic wangs they will encase.”

This is a developing story. Please check back for updates  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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