Uber Stock Expected to Surge, as Full 24 Hours Pass Without Any of Their Drivers Being Accused of Rape


(Business) Uber stocks are expected to rise on Monday as a full 24-hours passed this weekend without any of their drivers being accused of raping anyone. “These are good times,” said an unnamed intern for the company, “and everyone here is in a really good mood.” While over 100 drivers have been accused of sexual assault “nothing that bad happened on most of Saturday”, the intern continued.

When asked why so many Uber drivers have been accused of assault, the 32 year old, who has been interning for Uber for two weeks, offered this:

“I think basically anyone can work here.” 

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