Author: T.H. Loomis

Mother Nature During Rare, Sit-Down Interview: “I Don’t Really Give A Shit About Mankind’s Plans”

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(World) During a rare, sit-down interview on Sunday night, Mother Nature infuriated many by flatly stating, “I don’t really give a shit about mankind’s plans. Sorry. They never factor into any of my decisions.” Her comments, made during a live broadcast of This Spinning Planet with Tom Fallgrow, were “insensitive” and “heartless” according to Ron Syndergard, Director of Programming at WTYN.

Many at WTYN, the small Seattle television station that had broadcast the segment live, were aghast, according to Syndergard: “Mother Nature came off as kind of a bitch. She doesn’t care about people at all. I had never met her before, and I don’t know what I was expecting, but she really hurt our feelings.”

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Her words caused public outcry that has been heard around the world. Henry Gliek, a pastor from New Haven, Connecticut, expressed his disappointment in Mother Nature on his daily radio program, At Home With Christ, on Monday morning’s broadcast: “Mother Nature is no Mother Theresa. The former only seems to care about herself.”

While many were offended, others were quick to point out that none of Mother Nature’s latest comments should be alarming to anyone, and that they do not even constitute news. Sandra Bushlow of Lancaster, California, tweeted: “What’s the big deal? She’s always felt this way! #getagrip #itsmamaskitchen

Still, her comments were widely considered inflammatory. Below are some of the most controversial excerpts from the interview:

“I have no idea what that is, and don’t care to.”  (When asked about the industrial revolution in the United States.)

“Have you asked your own government this?” (When asked if she had anything to do with 9/11.)

“It’s all cute, and to be completely honest, I respect the effort.” (Her response to a question about the overall quality of global infrastructure, and buildings in general.)

The interview will be re-broadcast on October 7th on WTYN.

Mother Nature’s office could not be reached for comment.

Evidentially, Every Single Bad Driver On Earth Hides From Society When Not Behind The Wheel

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(Study) “We can’t find ’em’,” sighed Sociology Professor Harold Greeley, “not a single one. In fact, every single person we spoke to face to face insisted that he or she were a good driver.” Roughly five years ago, Greeley, who teaches at the prestigious Hungington School Of Thought in Southern California, noticed that society itself was collectively losing its ability to drive, and began interviewing motorists, whilst documenting his findings in HST Quarterly.

“The tailgating, the swerving in and out of traffic, the complete lack of consideration for other drivers – people drive like a bunch of fucking idiots. I wanted to talk to these people so we could learn more about their brains.”

Yet from the outset, Greeley’s research project seemed doomed. “I could clearly spot shitty drivers on the road. But I was never able to find one in person. I came to the conclusion that all of the terrible drivers in the world must go and hide somewhere when they are not behind the wheel, because I couldnt find any of them. And I don’t know where they go.”

Neither do Greeley’s partners in the now-closed project.

“I was in charge of tracking down bad drivers in Asia and Rhode Island. Those were my districts,” sighed Larry Cull, an Indiana Social Studies teacher who worked with Greeley from 2010 until the end of the study. “But everyone I spoke to said they were good at driving.”

Nonetheless, they are not throwing in the towel just yet. “Next year, we are going to start a project where we talk to people about their friends‘ driving,” explained Cull. “Hopefully, that tactic will help us locate some of these complete fucking asshole drivers.”

Unless Hiking Or On A School Campus, A Man Carrying A Backpack Is Always “Kinda Creepy”

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(Research) Unless hiking, or on a school campus, a man carrying a backpack is always “kinda creepy”, according to a new independent study done by researchers at the Swiss Department Of Social Sciences. The research project, headed by department founder, Noah Rorschach, polled roughly 800 U.S, residents, both male and female, between the ages of 18 and 50. The study asked people to write down their first five thoughts when shown a short video of a man walking down a street carrying a backpack. Below are the five most frequently repeated responses:

5) “Probably a murderer.”

4) “What is he hiding?”

3) “Doesn’t he have a home?”

2) “He has drugs on him, for sure.”

1) “Kinda creepy.”

During the study, all participants were also shown two other photos: one of the same man with the same backpack walking on a college campus, and another of the same man hiking in the wilderness.

“Hey, totally different thing,” explained Rorschach, “I mean there’s nothing odd about a guy with a backpack in those two scenarios.”

The full report will be published next month, and can be viewed at http://www.sdss.gov/study/dosanddonts/bp

Cookin’ Corner: How To Make An Amazing Root Beer Float

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(Recipe) If you’re anything like me, there are times in life when you are overcome with the desire to make a delicious, refreshing treat for yourself or your loved ones. When this mood strikes me, the solution is obvious: Root Beer Float. It’s easy if you have vanilla ice cream, root beer, a half hour, and the proper amount of counter space. Below are step by step instructions for one of the most amazing desserts ever created. Enjoy! Or as they say in France, Bon Appetit!

Ingredients Needed:

Vanilla Ice Cream (literally any kind)

Root Beer (literally any kind)

Directions:

Using a mug (or a glass of literally any kind – doesn’t matter), combine the ice cream with the root beer.

“ASK TIMMY” – Ten Years Old, Diagnosed With ADHD, And Full Of Advice For Our Readers

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(Advice) Timmy Braxton is a ten year old who resides in Kalamazoo, Michigan. His developmentally-totally-normal-considering his-age-and-environment “symptoms” have landed him in the office of a shrink two times a week, so he is already ripe with a lot of life experience. Here, Timmy answers a question from one of our very own readers.

Dear Timmy,

I want to buy a birthday gift for my seven-year-old nephew, Grady. He really liked Legos last year, but seems to have outgrown those things already. Do you think it’s because he just needs some new, more exciting ones? Or were Legos just a phase, maybe? I’m not sure. If I don’t get him Legos, I have no clue what I will buy for him. Help!

An Aunt Lost,

Michelle D’Angelo – Provo, Utah

Dear michelle,

you have to jump up on the top of the highest mountain and then – bop bop bop – a huge brontosaurus comes and eats your paper. I made up a song that makes rats turn red. We were in the ocean and I was like I JUST WANNA GO HOME. Nobody ever saw me playing hyde and seek but Amanda carsons who is in my grade dropped a piece of tomato on the ground and it was so gross!!! I colored in my coloring book me killing my mom but the picture was a taco playing banjo.

timmy

Local Cyclist Says He Actually “Has A Life”

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(Community Voices) Westlake Village resident Brad Tarnek, who often rides a bicycle around his hometown with his buddies, in full, florescent regalia, says he actually “has a life,” despite what it looks like. “I have been married for eight years, I have two beautiful children, and I have a fulfilling job as a numismatist,” explained Tarnek, 44. “I spend time with both my immediate and extended families, and my wife and I enjoy going out for dinner with our friends.”

The news was shocking to some of those present at Cafe Aroma, a local coffeehouse where Tarnek was overheard making said claims.

“I don’t believe a word of it,” chimed Cathy Shoop of Thousand Oaks. “Look at the helmet, the purple exercise knickers, or whatever the hell you call those things. Can you imagine the amount of time he probably spends at Sports Chalet?

Shoop’s friend, Debbie Wixon, agreed: “Look at him. I bet it takes him more time to prepare to go out in public than it takes me. And my husband says it takes me two hours to get ready.”

Tarnek held his ground though, and insisted that he maintains a full, well-balanced life. “My friends and I may look a certain way to people driving by. But I actually speak for a lot of us when I say our lives are full. Cycling is by no means an obsession. It’s just a hobby. Plus, it’s good for a person’s health.”

Study: Men Notice Fingernail Polish Once Every Six Years

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(Study) A new study released by the Society of Gender Research this month reveals that, unless a woman brings it up, the average male will only notice fingernail polish on a female once every six years. “6.2 years, to be exact,” according to Daniel Henderson, who documented the findings for SGR in the July, 2015 edition of its monthly journal. “The information is fascinating considering that fingernail polish is a two billion dollar a year industry.”

Porsche Designer: “Finally, Our Cars Look Just Like Toyotas”

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(Technology) In an anonymous interview on Tuesday, a designer working for Porsche expressed relief over the fact that the burden to be unique has ended, and that many new Porsches were designed simply to look all but identical to Toyotas. “Trying to be different is really hard. You have to have an inventive mind to do that sort of thing. It is exhausting. It is easier to just copy the work of others. I am happy to report that, finally, our cars look just like Toyotas.”

The designer, who asked that his name not be published, went on to admit that he himself could “no longer really tell the difference between an SUV made by Porsche and an SUV made by virtually any other motor company,” and that this was part of a deliberate plan.

“For many years, we racked our brains to come up with unique designs, and for a long time we did, but after a while the pressure overwhelmed us. So in recent years we just figured, if a design is good enough for Toyota, and GMC, and Jeep, and Kia, and Audi, and Subaru, it is good enough for Porsche.”

When asked if he or anyone else at the company felt bad for contributing to the slow but certain demise of the world-famous Porsche brand name, he laughed and said, “I don’t hear anyone really complaining. It is what it is.”

Medicine To Help ‘Common Clearing Of The Throat’ Awaits FDA Approval

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(Health) Relief might be on the horizon for the billions of people afflicted by BAFS (“Brief Accumulation of Phlegm Syndrome”). Otherwise known as “the clearing of the throat”, or, “coughing”, BAFS has become so common that the mathematical probability of knowing a sufferer stands still at 100%. And the picture gets no brighter when you look at the odds of being diagnosed yourself. “Unfortunately, 10 out of 10 people will personally encounter BAFS in his or her lifetime,” explains Henry Stein, M.D., one of the biochemists who helped create Fleyderchomerdehm, which is scheduled for FDA review in Spring, 2018.

“The level of unanimous, global acceptance of BAFS startles me,” said Stein, “and for many years I felt all alone in my concern.”

While known side effects of Fleyderchomerdehm include seizures, irreversible hearing loss, and pancreatitis, the benefits far outweigh the cons, according to Stein.

“One of the patients, a man I treat in my private practice, has to clear his throat several times during the course of a brief conversation. Sadly, this is no anomaly”, continued Stein, “it is the norm.”

Completely Healthy-Looking Employee Spotted At A ‘Whole Foods’ Market

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(Research) A completely healthy-looking employee was spotted working behind the counter at a Whole Foods Market located in Denver, Colorado on Friday. Toby Davis, 23, reported the sighting while at the store buying fruit but did not catch the cashier’s name.

“I was too tripped out,” explained Davis, “Michelle maybe? Mary? I think her name started with an ‘M'”.

Davis, a college student who resides in the Denver area, said that the cashier not only looked fully-hydrated, but that “it was as if she had been getting an entirely proper amount of vitamins, proteins, nutrients, and minerals.” Davis continued: “This is uncommon in my experience. Usually, the employees (at Whole Foods) look unhealthy. Gaunt. It could partially be the lighting at my location, but they sometimes appear jaundiced.”

Whole Foods is a grocery chain renowned for its selection of food products deemed to be healthier than the types of items one would find in most other major grocery stores. Therefore, it may not be surprising that sightings like this are becoming more common. Last month, three healthy-looking employees were noticed working at the same time at a Whole Foods in Rancho Cucamonga, California.