ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake

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(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

Neighbor Says Message on Family’s Welcome Mat “Not Consistent With Who They Really Are”

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(Local) A quiet Arizona neighborhood got a little louder this week when Prescott resident Corey Bilius called out his next door neighbors for having a welcome mat that does not accurately portray who they really are.

“You can’t believe everything you read on a welcome mat”, complained Bilius, who noticed on Friday that his next door neighbors Kayla Ostermann and Rory Klem keep a mat in front of their door that reads, Welcome To Our Love Nest.

“They fight all the time”, explained Bilius, 24, who has lived next door to the couple for about three months. “My dad almost called the cops on ‘em one time, but he changed his mind.”

Bilius first saw the mat while returning a piece of mail that was erroneously delivered to him:

“I had no idea it was there because I’d never been on their property before. But then I saw it and thought to myself, ‘Oh right, this is a love nest for sure. More like a fight nest!’ I mean, it struck me as being a very dishonest message, not consistent with who they really are.”

Added Bilius, “And I don’t know about you, but I am a big believer of honesty. Honesty is huge for me. Ask anybody.”

According to the hostess at IHOP, where Bilius spoke freely to us while waiting for his “breakfast date”, the couple in question have lived in their house for over five years and have two children.

 

 

 

 

Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”

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(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)

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Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  

 

 

 

Unless Hiking Or On A School Campus, A Man Carrying A Backpack Is Always “Kinda Creepy”

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(Research) Unless hiking, or on a school campus, a man carrying a backpack is always “kinda creepy”, according to a new independent study done by researchers at the Swiss Department Of Social Sciences. The research project, headed by department founder, Noah Rorschach, polled roughly 800 U.S, residents, both male and female, between the ages of 18 and 50. The study asked people to write down their first five thoughts when shown a short video of a man walking down a street carrying a backpack. Below are the five most frequently repeated responses:

5) “Probably a murderer.”

4) “What is he hiding?”

3) “Doesn’t he have a home?”

2) “He has drugs on him, for sure.”

1) “Kinda creepy.”

During the study, all participants were also shown two other photos: one of the same man with the same backpack walking on a college campus, and another of the same man hiking in the wilderness.

“Hey, totally different thing,” explained Rorschach, “I mean there’s nothing odd about a guy with a backpack in those two scenarios.”

The full report will be published next month, and can be viewed at http://www.sdss.gov/study/dosanddonts/bp

Local Cyclist Says He Actually “Has A Life”

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(Community Voices) Westlake Village resident Brad Tarnek, who often rides a bicycle around his hometown with his buddies, in full, florescent regalia, says he actually “has a life,” despite what it looks like. “I have been married for eight years, I have two beautiful children, and I have a fulfilling job as a numismatist,” explained Tarnek, 44. “I spend time with both my immediate and extended families, and my wife and I enjoy going out for dinner with our friends.”

The news was shocking to some of those present at Cafe Aroma, a local coffeehouse where Tarnek was overheard making said claims.

“I don’t believe a word of it,” chimed Cathy Shoop of Thousand Oaks. “Look at the helmet, the purple exercise knickers, or whatever the hell you call those things. Can you imagine the amount of time he probably spends at Sports Chalet?

Shoop’s friend, Debbie Wixon, agreed: “Look at him. I bet it takes him more time to prepare to go out in public than it takes me. And my husband says it takes me two hours to get ready.”

Tarnek held his ground though, and insisted that he maintains a full, well-balanced life. “My friends and I may look a certain way to people driving by. But I actually speak for a lot of us when I say our lives are full. Cycling is by no means an obsession. It’s just a hobby. Plus, it’s good for a person’s health.”

“Love Ya” Actually Means “I Resent You For Something, But Know I Probably Shouldn’t “

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(Psychology) Reknown psychologist Jennifer Caspara LMFT, PHD, recently wrote in the Oxford Study Of Daily Human Emotions Weekly that, well, people don’t always say what they mean. Most of us already know this, however, but the real bombshell Caspara drops in her recent article is that sometimes humans mean the exact opposite of what they actually say. In her thesis, Caspara states that when someone says, “Love Ya”, they might as well be saying, “I hate you right now, you asshole.” Particularly if the person being spoken to was once a recipient of one or more “I Love You”‘s.

“‘Love Ya’ is really a demotion,” explains Caspara, “and one must pay careful attention to the linguistic codes. Ideally, you want to go from hearing ‘Love Ya’ to ‘I Love You’, and not the other way around. After you’ve heard ‘I Love You’ from someone, you never want to hear them say ‘Love Ya’. It would be more honest of them to say, “I used to have strong, positive emotions surrounding our relationship, but now I’m starting to dislike you a lot. I know I shouldn’t be mad. I know society would tell me that my anger in this situation is silly, so I am going to try to sneak out of saying the phrase ‘I Love You’ and just hope you won’t notice until I can sort out my shit.”

Caspara also believes that just about everyone unconsciously knows all of this is all true, but feels many will argue with her in order for them to continue saying “Love Ya” to people they don’t like, in order to avoid a) confrontation, and b) looking honestly at themselves.

“Many adults pretend that they want to have close, meaningful relationships with other people,” she continued, “but they are unwilling to do the work it takes because it is difficult.”