Completely Healthy-Looking Employee Spotted At A ‘Whole Foods’ Market

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(Research) A completely healthy-looking employee was spotted working behind the counter at a Whole Foods Market located in Denver, Colorado on Friday. Toby Davis, 23, reported the sighting while at the store buying fruit but did not catch the cashier’s name.

“I was too tripped out,” explained Davis, “Michelle maybe? Mary? I think her name started with an ‘M'”.

Davis, a college student who resides in the Denver area, said that the cashier not only looked fully-hydrated, but that “it was as if she had been getting an entirely proper amount of vitamins, proteins, nutrients, and minerals.” Davis continued: “This is uncommon in my experience. Usually, the employees (at Whole Foods) look unhealthy. Gaunt. It could partially be the lighting at my location, but they sometimes appear jaundiced.”

Whole Foods is a grocery chain renowned for its selection of food products deemed to be healthier than the types of items one would find in most other major grocery stores. Therefore, it may not be surprising that sightings like this are becoming more common. Last month, three healthy-looking employees were noticed working at the same time at a Whole Foods in Rancho Cucamonga, California.

“ASK RICHARD” – Belligerent, Inebriated, and Full Of Advice For Our Readers

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Richard Gutierrez is a construction worker who was born and raised in Laredo, Texas. Here, Richard answers a question sent in by one of our very own readers.

Dear Richard,

I am fifteen years old, and I want a tattoo. My mom won’t let me get one, and it doesn’t seem fair. All of my friends have tattoos! Plus, I have been saving money for almost two years and can afford to get exactly what I want. My mom refuses to see my reasoning. She says that as long as I am living under her roof I have to go by her rules. She says I need to wait until I’m 18 before I can even consider it. What do you think? How can I get her to see my way?

Sincerely,

Ryan Sternberg – Yonkers, NY

Dear Ryan,

My fucking dog bit me today and it’s like dude what the fuck. He is a Pit named Grinder and he is a puppy but still I mean come on. My wife didn’t want me to get him in the first place but it’s like fuck you bitch I pay the bills! Know what I mean? America used to be different. I can’t believe the crap that’s going on nowadays. Plus both my cousins are all fucked up on crystal.

– Richard

Psychology Professor: “Vegans Probably Don’t Have Orgasms”

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(Psychology) Professor Julian Reinhard caused an uproar in his local Austrian community when he declared during a press conference on Wednesday that his twenty-two years as a psychoanalyst have led him to believe that vegans are likely incapable of having orgasms. “I don’t know for sure,” explained Reinhard, “it’s just a feeling I have, I guess.” The renowned professor had been a practicing therapist for almost two decades before beginning a teaching career at the Austrian School For The Metaphysical.  His controversial comments were made while Reinhard was doing a book signing for his newly penned, Your Mind Is A Pusillanimous Thew (Kong Press, 2015; Amazon Price $42.80).

“I am, of course, bound by laws of confidentiality,” Reinhard said, “but I can tell you that based on information received, I have long sensed a connection of some sort between veganism and the total inability to cum.”

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His remarks enraged many of those there, some of whom were outspoken about their new disdain for the scholar. Wanda Portnoy angrily threw her copy of Reinhard’s new tome right at the author and stormed out, crying. “He doesn’t know what he is talking about. He is just a mean, stupid idiot who thinks he knows what he is talking about but does not. He does not know what he is talking about. He is wrong. He is mean and stupid and does not know what he is talking about.”

It is unclear whether Reinhard’s comments will have any impact on the sales of his new book. Representatives from Kong Press could not be reached for comment.

Plan To Make U.S. 101/State Route 23 Reconstruction Project “Complete Shit Show” A Blazing Success

(Community Voices) If the plan was to make the heavily-used U.S. Highway 101/State Route 23 interchange in Thousand Oaks “a complete shit show” during its period of reconstruction, then it has been “a blazing success”, according to local commuters. While Caltrans, who is spearheading the project, remains focused on the fact that the widening of the 101 Freeway in that area will ultimately ease traffic congestion and improve safety for the more than 170,000 motorists who travel through the area daily, motorists “don’t really give a shit about that right now”, says Stacey Dixon of Calabasas.

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“If they wanted to create a terrifying experience for commuters, mission accomplished,” Dixon continued.

Mark O’Reily of Newbury Park agrees. “These days, as I drive Southbound on the 101 approaching Hamphire Road, I wear a helmet.”

“One of the problems is that the lane connecting CA-23 to US-101 seems to have been constructed by someone who has no eyes,” griped Charles Waters of Westlake Village. “Coming on to the 101 from the 23, you’re just all the sudden sharing a lane with another car. I would honestly feel safer driving at Saugus Speedway.”

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Caltrans, the Ventura County Transportation Commission, and the City of Thousand Oaks are partners on the $43 million project, which will not be completed until Spring, 2016.

“Meanwhile,” says Waters, “I will just have to deal with diarrhea each morning.”