(News) A heterosexual man was spotted eating lunch at a Panera Bread located in Tom’s River, New Jersey on Saturday. Phil Darwell, of White Plains, New York, stopped there with his family for lunch while on vacation.
Darwell works for New Jersey Transit, has been married for 17 years, and has two children, 16 and 9.
(New York) Alex Rodriguez announced today that he will retire from baseball after the Yankees game this coming Friday.
After an over 20 year career, which included one world championship, 14 All Star appearances, and three A.L. MVP awards, Rodriguez is jumping ship mid-season because, according to insiders, he knows there’s no reason to even try anymore if the team is just trading away all the decent players. “I did tell him that quitting in the middle of the season, and in the middle of a three game series, sends a bad message. It’s selfish. I told him that kids are watching”, said a longtime friend who wished to remain anonymous. “He said he was only thinking of himself right up to the very end because ‘he wanted to send a consistent message’ throughout his entire career, up until the last inning he plays.”
The insider continued: “How weird would it be if Alex showed some integrity and played the whole season out at this point, even though there is nothing personally in it that is fun for him anymore?
Beginning next year, Rodriguez will become a team advisor. Alex explained this decision after the press conference: “I think I would be good in an advisor role for the New York Yankees because, like, if anyone tries to sue them or anything I can help them a lot with that because I have been on the other end of that, literally. I’m being literal, guys.” For more go to MLB.com.
SACRAMENTO, CA – After decades of putting actual thought, energy, and effort into trying to make motorcycle laws align with all of the other laws of the road, and with what makes the most overall sense from a public safety standpoint, the Golden State has quietly put into effect a law that finally ends the debate on the subject. The We Don’t Care Initiative (WDCE) took place sometime in the past five or ten years, but no one really knows exactly. Joel Heramm, a pending intern professor at UC Davis , and a longtime board member on the Society of Highway Safety, explains what it all means in essence: “Have you ever thrown your hands in the air and said, ‘I don’t care anymore?’ It’s like that. The State of California does not recommend that a motorcyclist ride on top of a double yellow line between a carpool lane and a fast lane, but they are not going to make a big deal out of it, either.”
Heramm paused for a minute, because he was texting someone else, but then he continued: “That goes for other stuff, too. Yes, a carpool lane is designed specifically for two or more passengers in a car. But if a motorcyclist is running late and wants to do his own thing and ride in that lane, it is what it is. California’s official opinion now is actually exactly that – it is what it is.”
And while a recent study in Berkley showed that lane splitting is safe, those findings raised a lot of eyebrows. One of those scoffers was Ben Cartford, a paramedic from Hysperia, Ca. “Lane splitting is safe? Oh, okay. Is that why I spent an hour and forty five minutes last night trying to remove a car door from someone’s esophagus?”
While studies show that many California denizens side with Cartford, believing that motorcycle laws are lax and that lane splitting is extremely unsafe, a line has been drawn. “A white dotted line,” quips Cartford.
(World) On September 27th, 2015, people will get to witness a rare Supermoon lunar eclipse. What this means to stargazers in the United States is that, if you go outside between the approximate hours of 10:00pm and 11:00pm PST, the moon will look orange-red and bigger than normal. Even though this occurrence is not unheard of (it last took place in 1982), many see the Supermoon lunar eclipse as a sign that the end of the world is near. Yet scientists at home and abroad can point to many signs that are way more obvious that “the end of times” are at our doorstep. Below are five:
5) The MTV Music Awards has viewers
4) McDonalds sells fruit
3) The price of a breakfast at iHop has been accepted by society.
2) If one wants to purchase hard copies of music, the go-to place is Best Buy
1) The people who came up with Lay’s Gyro-Flavored Potato Chips were not, minimally, suspended without pay.
(Recipe) If you’re anything like me, there are times in life when you are overcome with the desire to make a delicious, refreshing treat for yourself or your loved ones. When this mood strikes me, the solution is obvious: Root Beer Float. It’s easy if you have vanilla ice cream, root beer, a half hour, and the proper amount of counter space. Below are step by step instructions for one of the most amazing desserts ever created. Enjoy! Or as they say in France, Bon Appetit!
Ingredients Needed:
Vanilla Ice Cream (literally any kind)
Root Beer (literally any kind)
Directions:
Using a mug (or a glass of literally any kind – doesn’t matter), combine the ice cream with the root beer.
(Advice) Timmy Braxton is a ten year old who resides in Kalamazoo, Michigan. His developmentally-totally-normal-considering his-age-and-environment “symptoms” have landed him in the office of a shrink two times a week, so he is already ripe with a lot of life experience. Here, Timmy answers a question from one of our very own readers.
Dear Timmy,
I want to buy a birthday gift for my seven-year-old nephew, Grady. He really liked Legos last year, but seems to have outgrown those things already. Do you think it’s because he just needs some new, more exciting ones? Or were Legos just a phase, maybe? I’m not sure. If I don’t get him Legos, I have no clue what I will buy for him. Help!
An Aunt Lost,
Michelle D’Angelo – Provo, Utah
Dear michelle,
you have to jump up on the top of the highest mountain and then – bop bop bop – a huge brontosaurus comes and eats your paper. I made up a song that makes rats turn red. We were in the ocean and I was like I JUST WANNA GO HOME. Nobody ever saw me playing hyde and seek but Amanda carsons who is in my grade dropped a piece of tomato on the ground and it was so gross!!! I colored in my coloring book me killing my mom but the picture was a taco playing banjo.
timmy
(Study) A new study released by the Society of Gender Research this month reveals that, unless a woman brings it up, the average male will only notice fingernail polish on a female once every six years. “6.2 years, to be exact,” according to Daniel Henderson, who documented the findings for SGR in the July, 2015 edition of its monthly journal. “The information is fascinating considering that fingernail polish is a two billion dollar a year industry.”
(Technology) In an anonymous interview on Tuesday, a designer working for Porsche expressed relief over the fact that the burden to be unique has ended, and that many new Porsches were designed simply to look all but identical to Toyotas. “Trying to be different is really hard. You have to have an inventive mind to do that sort of thing. It is exhausting. It is easier to just copy the work of others. I am happy to report that, finally, our cars look just like Toyotas.”
The designer, who asked that his name not be published, went on to admit that he himself could “no longer really tell the difference between an SUV made by Porsche and an SUV made by virtually any other motor company,” and that this was part of a deliberate plan.
“For many years, we racked our brains to come up with unique designs, and for a long time we did, but after a while the pressure overwhelmed us. So in recent years we just figured, if a design is good enough for Toyota, and GMC, and Jeep, and Kia, and Audi, and Subaru, it is good enough for Porsche.”
When asked if he or anyone else at the company felt bad for contributing to the slow but certain demise of the world-famous Porsche brand name, he laughed and said, “I don’t hear anyone really complaining. It is what it is.”
(Health) Relief might be on the horizon for the billions of people afflicted by BAFS (“Brief Accumulation of Phlegm Syndrome”). Otherwise known as “the clearing of the throat”, or, “coughing”, BAFS has become so common that the mathematical probability of knowing a sufferer stands still at 100%. And the picture gets no brighter when you look at the odds of being diagnosed yourself. “Unfortunately, 10 out of 10 people will personally encounter BAFS in his or her lifetime,” explains Henry Stein, M.D., one of the biochemists who helped create Fleyderchomerdehm, which is scheduled for FDA review in Spring, 2018.
“The level of unanimous, global acceptance of BAFS startles me,” said Stein, “and for many years I felt all alone in my concern.”
While known side effects of Fleyderchomerdehm include seizures, irreversible hearing loss, and pancreatitis, the benefits far outweigh the cons, according to Stein.
“One of the patients, a man I treat in my private practice, has to clear his throat several times during the course of a brief conversation. Sadly, this is no anomaly”, continued Stein, “it is the norm.”
(Research) A completely healthy-looking employee was spotted working behind the counter at a Whole Foods Market located in Denver, Colorado on Friday. Toby Davis, 23, reported the sighting while at the store buying fruit but did not catch the cashier’s name.
“I was too tripped out,” explained Davis, “Michelle maybe? Mary? I think her name started with an ‘M'”.
Davis, a college student who resides in the Denver area, said that the cashier not only looked fully-hydrated, but that “it was as if she had been getting an entirely proper amount of vitamins, proteins, nutrients, and minerals.” Davis continued: “This is uncommon in my experience. Usually, the employees (at Whole Foods) look unhealthy. Gaunt. It could partially be the lighting at my location, but they sometimes appear jaundiced.”
Whole Foods is a grocery chain renowned for its selection of food products deemed to be healthier than the types of items one would find in most other major grocery stores. Therefore, it may not be surprising that sightings like this are becoming more common. Last month, three healthy-looking employees were noticed working at the same time at a Whole Foods in Rancho Cucamonga, California.
The polite snail 