Blonde Claims ‘Hair Discrimination’ for Not Getting Hired at Chinese Restaurant


(News) According to court papers filed Wednesday, college student Colette Asbury claims that she did not get hired at Golden Panda III due to the color of her hair. “I’m more than qualified for the job. I noticed that everyone who works there is brunette. So it’s my hair. It’s the only thing I can figure. Um, I’m no law student, but I am pretty sure that’s called discrimination.” While Asbury is adamant about following through with her case, and is asking for $1.6 million dollars in damages for “emotional distress”, experts doubt that it will hold up in court.  Jay Berg, a public defender who resides near Sandpoint, Idaho, where the incident took place, explains:  “She likely doesn’t have a case. The law won’t recognize hair discrimination. The lone exception is where an employee’s hair style is related to a religious belief. Ms. Asbury has not voiced any convictions of this sort. Were that the case, an employer would be wise to consider reasonable accommodations to avoid a claim of religious discrimination. No one from Golden Panda III returned calls for this story.

Coolio “Sighting” in Pancake at Victorville Denny’s


(Local) Breakfast-goers got an unexpected surprise on Monday when the image of 90’s hip-hop legend Coolio (real name Leon Ivy Jr.) was spotted in a pancake at a Denny’s in Victorville, California. The Coolio “sighting” was the first of its kind in San Bernardino County and caused a minor stir, as about ten onlookers gathered around the table anxious to see if the claim was true.

“It’s him, alright,” insisted Tommy Grume, 43, who had himself ordered the flapjack. “Look! He’s wearing those sunglasses that he always used to wear! If you don’t see it, you’re blind. Or stupid. Just look!”

While the line cooks declined to comment, the on-duty manager emphatically shook her head ‘no’ when we asked her if there was anything unique about how that particular pancake was made.

While Grume was “absolutely certain” it that Coolio’s image was clearly visible in his meal, most of those present disagreed, and did not even see the need to make a big deal out of any of it.

“Come on, get real,” griped Snyder Beenly, a regular and longtime patron. “Ain’t nothing there to see.”

Grume was arrested at the same Denny’s in July for possession of methamphetamine.






Cellphones Containing Holes That You Can Finally Just Shove Your Dick Into Will Be Ready by 2019, Developers


(Technology) The wait is almost over. Developers declared on Wednesday that by 2019, many new cellphones will contain ALDH (A Literal Dick Hole).  The notion of finally just adding ALDH to cellular devices is not new, but is something that has been discussed by designers in Silicon Valley for over a decade now. However, Kile Moffit, III, CEO and founder of StreriOID Software, is ALDH’s chief-designer, and stated, “It’s time to take that final step towards our complete separation of ourselves from other people. It’s really the only thing that you can’t do with your phone yet. ALDH finally closes the circle and makes every man a complete island, which is evidently exactly what he wants now.”

The annual WhatsAppining Convention, held every January in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, found consumers already buzzing:

“I can’t wait to fuck my phone,” exclaimed  Todd Brock, 36, from Denver. “It’s my best friend. I think I have kids, but I like my phone better.”

Gabriel Corbit, 20, from Lyman, Nebraska, agreed: “I think it’s pretty cool. I already know how long I can keep it up with a girl. But this is going to be interesting.”

Erik Melding, 50, who flew to the convention from Sisters, Oregon: “I hope Apple will decide to carry this new dick tech. Cuz’ I’m not getting rid of my iPhone, even though my step-daughter thinks I should. And I hope there are going to be different sized holes, know what I mean? Not bragging if it’s true, guy.”

Moffit was eager to point out that the dick holes will be “adjustable in size, and therefore something practically every man can enjoy.”

Will women be able to get in on the fun? “Absolutely”, said Moffit. “May, 2020 should see the release of our ACPO models for women. The ACPO (A Cock Pops Out) models are just like the ones with ALDH, “only heavier”, explained Moffit, “because of the metallic wangs they will encase.”

This is a developing story. Please check back for updates  


























“Popular” Facebook User Admits He Has No Actual Friends


(News) Facebook user Jamison Malden admitted on Saturday that he has no actual friends, despite the fact that his user profile boasts well over 700 of them. “782, to be exact,” explained Malden, a New York City denizen who recently turned 34.

“I am very popular on Facebook and LinkedIn,” Malden continued, “but if I’m going to be completely honest with you, lately, I’m not even sure if I have one actual friend. You know, someone I can count on when things get tough. Someone who will stand by you no matter what.”

Meghan Katz dated Malden until late last year, and feels that his claim is completely accurate: “Oh my god, he is absolutely right. (He has) no friends at all. None. Know why? Because he’s a dick. That’s why.”

When Katz’ name was mentioned, Malden clearly saddened, quietly saying, “You talked to her?” before falling silent for almost a half hour, despite many repeated attempts to continue the interview.

Someone not at a loss for words, however, was Katz:

“We were together almost two years. He is a liar.  His whole life is one big fat lie. He has a decent job, but he spends all his money on alcohol and drugs. Oh, and sports memorabilia. He’s always talking to people, ya know, surrounded by a crowd and all, but you know what? Nobody likes him. Because he’s not that nice. He’s what I like to call ‘fake nice.’ He’s manipulative, and that’s that. You act that way, you have no friends. No matter what you say online.”

Malden’s older brother, Grant, who lives in nearby Patterson, New Jersey, doesn’t entirely agree with Katz, saying, “Ah, she (Katz) is just butt hurt, yo. My brother is aight. He aight.”

Grant (who, for the record, is, like his brother, Caucasian) confesses he has not spent time with Jamison since March or April of 2012.



Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”


(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)


Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  




New Dating App, ‘Unpaid Whore’, Exactly Like ‘Tinder’, says Inventor


(Technology) A new dating app, ‘Unpaid Whore’, unveiled on Wednesday at The Tech of Dust convention in Marin County, California, is “exactly like Tinder”, according to its own inventor, Sean Cardale.

“Unpaid Whore is literally exactly like Tinder in every single way. Well, the name is different, obviously. But aside from that, no difference in any way, whatsoever”, explains Cardale.

Cardale, pressed by reporters while manning his booth at the popular TOD gathering, held annually in Northern California, did not appear to lose his patience while repeatedly being asked the same questions over and over again for the roughly nine hours he attended the event.

“I don’t know what else to say.  The two apps are indentical in every way, except in the spelling of the names.”

Cardale, 20, is currently working on an app that will allow users to watch, in real time, their IQ’s decrease with successive hits of marijuana.

Man Sits Through Entire Movie Without Checking His Facebook Account


(News) Kent, WA — A local resident stunned his peers on Friday when he sat through an entire movie without checking his Facebook account once. Todd Buschow, a senior at Grove Valley High School, said it never even crossed his mind to look at his phone, and was as dumbfounded as his friends.

“I don’t know, I guess I was kinda into the movie”,  he flatly opined.

Buschow’s girlfriend, Ingrid Booth, thinks it is something that they will look back on as an anomaly. “It’s not like him. (War For the Planet of the Apes) wasn’t that good. And Todd is a guy who is on Snapchat sometimes when he fucks me.”

Buschow’s buddy, Mark Asbury, was actually distracted by his friend’s apparent commitment to the movie. “He just sat and stared at the screen the whole time.  I thought maybe he was pissed about something.”

While the news was surprising, fortunately no damage was done.

“Nobody had messaged me or anything, so it’s all good,” Buschow sighed.


Rite-Aid CEO Never Informed of Existence of Rain Forest


(Business) On Sunday, a Rite Aid insider,  who wished to remain anonymous, told that he believes that one of the company’s CEOs has literally never heard about the existence of rain forests:

“A bunch of us were having dinner at a convention, and he kept going on about how he wants to make receipts at Rite Aid ‘even longer’ so that the company stands out from other apothecaries. Everyone told him how insane this idea was, and  that the receipts are already ridiculously long.”

He continued: “Then someone at the table  asked him how he felt about what he was undoubtedly doing to the rain forest. His response was, ‘What is that? Is Rain Forest a video game or somethin’?'”

US President, Most Adults, and Entire Government, Now Simply Mirroring Parents Who Should Get Divorced


(Study) According to a new study, the US president, its entire government and most of the country’s adults are mirroring parents who should get a divorce.

“If all of these people were in my office, I would certainly encourage them to explore the idea of divorce”, says Bernard Makkie, PHD, LMFT. “Think of the impact theses dynamics have on children, particularly…

(See full story at )






Scientific Research: All Mass Shooters Have One Thing In Common


(Science)  New scientific data out of The Scholastic Studies Foundation in Rhode Island shows that every single person who goes on a massive shooting spree is “a self-centered, fucking asshole.”

It is not true, as was commonly believed before, that all people who try to shoot a bunch of other people enjoy heavy metal music (just 4%) or playing video games (89%).  Also debunked is the belief that all shooters come from broken homes (92%) or oblivious-to-reality parents (98.9%).

“What is true,” says Gene Lamport, SSF president,  and head of its science department since 2007, “is that a whopping 100% of mass shooters are self-centered, fucking assholes.”

The complete study can be seen at ssfresesrch/