Man Sits Through Entire Movie Without Checking His Facebook Account


(News) Kent, WA — A local resident stunned his peers on Friday when he sat through an entire movie without checking his Facebook account once. Todd Buschow, a senior at Grove Valley High School, said it never even crossed his mind to look at his phone, and was as dumbfounded as his friends.

“I don’t know, I guess I was kinda into the movie”,  he flatly opined.

Buschow’s girlfriend, Ingrid Booth, thinks it is something that they will look back on as an anomaly. “It’s not like him. (War For the Planet of the Apes) wasn’t that good. And Todd is a guy who is on Snapchat sometimes when he fucks me.”

Buschow’s buddy, Mark Asbury, was actually distracted by his friend’s apparent commitment to the movie. “He just sat and stared at the screen the whole time.  I thought maybe he was pissed about something.”

While the news was surprising, fortunately no damage was done.

“Nobody had messaged me or anything, so it’s all good,” Buschow sighed.


Rite-Aid CEO Never Informed of Existence of Rain Forest


(Business) On Sunday, a Rite Aid insider,  who wished to remain anonymous, told that he believes that one of the company’s CEOs has literally never heard about the existence of rain forests:

“A bunch of us were having dinner at a convention, and he kept going on about how he wants to make receipts at Rite Aid ‘even longer’ so that the company stands out from other apothecaries. Everyone told him how insane this idea was, and  that the receipts are already ridiculously long.”

He continued: “Then someone at the table  asked him how he felt about what he was undoubtedly doing to the rain forest. His response was, ‘What is that? Is Rain Forest a video game or somethin’?'”

US President, Most Adults, and Entire Government, Now Simply Mirroring Parents Who Should Get Divorced


(Study) According to a new study, the US president, its entire government and most of the country’s adults are mirroring parents who should get a divorce.

“If all of these people were in my office, I would certainly encourage them to explore the idea of divorce”, says Bernard Makkie, PHD, LMFT. “Think of the impact theses dynamics have on children, particularly…

(See full story at )






Scientific Research: All Mass Shooters Have One Thing In Common


(Science)  New scientific data out of The Scholastic Studies Foundation in Rhode Island shows that every single person who goes on a massive shooting spree is “a self-centered, fucking asshole.”

It is not true, as was commonly believed before, that all people who try to shoot a bunch of other people enjoy heavy metal music (just 4%) or playing video games (89%).  Also debunked is the belief that all shooters come from broken homes (92%) or oblivious-to-reality parents (98.9%).

“What is true,” says Gene Lamport, SSF president,  and head of its science department since 2007, “is that a whopping 100% of mass shooters are self-centered, fucking assholes.”

The complete study can be seen at ssfresesrch/

Arod, Realizing 2016 Yankees Are Not Winning Anything, Quits Early


(New York) Alex Rodriguez announced today that he will retire from baseball after the Yankees game this coming Friday.

After an over 20 year career, which included one world championship,  14 All Star appearances,  and three A.L. MVP awards,  Rodriguez is jumping ship mid-season because, according to insiders, he knows there’s no reason to even try anymore if the team is just trading away all the decent players.  “I did tell  him that quitting in the middle of the season, and in the middle of a three game series, sends a bad message. It’s selfish. I told him that kids are watching”, said a longtime friend who wished to remain anonymous.  “He said he was only thinking of himself right up to the very end because ‘he wanted to send a consistent message’ throughout his entire career, up until the last inning he plays.”

The insider continued: “How weird would it be if Alex showed some integrity and played the whole season out at this point, even though there is nothing personally in it that is fun for him anymore?

Beginning next year, Rodriguez will become a team advisor.  Alex explained this decision after the press conference: “I think I would be good in an advisor role for the New York Yankees because, like, if anyone tries to sue them or anything I can help them a lot with that because I have been on the other end of that, literally. I’m being literal, guys.” For more go to

New California Law for Motorcyclists: “Do Whatever You Want, I Guess”

SACRAMENTO, CA –  After decades of putting actual thought, energy, and effort into trying to make motorcycle laws align with all of the other laws of the road, and with what makes the most overall sense from a public safety standpoint, the Golden State has quietly put into effect a law that finally ends the debate on the subject. The We Don’t Care Initiative (WDCE) took place sometime in the past five or ten years, but no one really knows exactly. Joel Heramm, a pending intern professor at UC Davis , and a longtime board member on the Society of Highway Safety, explains what it all means in essence: “Have you ever thrown your hands in the air and said, ‘I don’t care anymore?’ It’s like that. The State of California does not recommend that a motorcyclist ride on top of a double yellow line between a carpool lane and a fast lane, but they are not going to make a big deal out of it, either.”

Heramm paused for a minute, because he was texting someone else, but then he continued: “That goes for other stuff, too.  Yes, a carpool lane is designed specifically for two or more passengers in a car. But if a motorcyclist is running late and wants to do his own thing and ride in that lane, it is what it is. California’s official opinion now is actually exactly that – it is what it is.”

And while a recent study in Berkley showed that lane splitting is safe, those findings raised a lot of eyebrows. One of those scoffers was Ben Cartford, a paramedic from Hysperia, Ca.  “Lane splitting is safe? Oh, okay. Is that why I spent an hour and forty five minutes last night trying to remove a car door from someone’s  esophagus?” 
While studies show that many California denizens side with Cartford, believing that motorcycle laws are lax and that lane splitting is extremely unsafe, a line has been drawn. “A white dotted line,” quips Cartford. 

U.S. Official To Public: “Please Stop Fucking”



(News – Washington D.C.) Stanley Dounbergh, head of the U.S. Department of Population, took to the podium on Friday to make a desperate plea to United States citizens: “Please stop fucking.” Dounbergh, with statistics in front of him showing how out of control the population is getting, went on: “At least for a while. Let’s let a bunch of people die off before we start enjoying sex again. Right now, there are just too many people. We’ve got to do something.”

Dounbergh’s words were met with dissension from the crowd of about fifty reporters. CDBS columnist Jill Corning flatly stated, “Sex is very popular. People love it. Do you really think it is realistic to ask everyone in the country to abstain from intercourse?  I myself have plans to fuck later this evening.”

“It won’t be easy, if in fact it is realistic at all”, Dounbergh noted, “but if we can all just try to hold out for a while, it will help. Our economy can no longer support the head count. There is roughly one legitimate job to every nine people over the age of eighteen.”


WRTY reporter Ralph Wilkon was supportive of the idea, and made a public pledge to “give it a go”, but others at the press conference were quick to point out that Wilkon, who is 79, probably wasn’t planning on having sex ever again anyway.

The public meeting ended abruptly when the q&a portion of the event got out of hand, as tempers flared and sarcastic remarks became a din. “Just think about it, people!”, begged Dounbergh, “I don’t like the idea any more than you do.”


To make a personal pledge to stop having sex for a year, sign the document at http://www.usgov.2015/

Does Supermoon Lunar Eclipse 2015 Mark The “End Of Times”? Maybe, But There Are Five More Obvious Signs


(World) On September 27th, 2015, people will get to witness a rare Supermoon lunar eclipse. What this means to stargazers in the United States is that, if you go outside between the approximate hours of 10:00pm and 11:00pm PST, the moon will look orange-red and bigger than normal. Even though this occurrence is not unheard of (it last took place in 1982), many see the Supermoon lunar eclipse as a sign that the end of the world is near. Yet scientists at home and abroad can point to many signs that are way more obvious that “the end of times” are at our doorstep. Below are five:

5) The MTV Music Awards has viewers

4) McDonalds sells fruit


3)  The price of a breakfast at iHop has been accepted by society.

2)   If one wants to purchase hard copies of music, the go-to place is Best Buy

1)   The people who came up with Lay’s Gyro-Flavored Potato Chips were not, minimally, suspended without pay.