(News) According to court papers filed Wednesday, college student Colette Asbury claims that she did not get hired at Golden Panda III due to the color of her hair. “I’m more than qualified for the job. I noticed that everyone who works there is brunette. So it’s my hair. It’s the only thing I can figure. Um, I’m no law student, but I am pretty sure that’s called discrimination.” While Asbury is adamant about following through with her case, and is asking for $1.6 million dollars in damages for “emotional distress”, experts doubt that it will hold up in court.  Jay Berg, a public defender who resides near Sandpoint, Idaho, where the incident took place, explains:  “She likely doesn’t have a case. The law won’t recognize hair discrimination. The lone exception is where an employee’s hair style is related to a religious belief. Ms. Asbury has not voiced any convictions of this sort. Were that the case, an employer would be wise to consider reasonable accommodations to avoid a claim of religious discrimination. No one from Golden Panda III returned calls for this story.

(Local) Breakfast-goers got an unexpected surprise on Monday when the image of 90’s hip-hop legend Coolio (real name Leon Ivy Jr.) was spotted in a pancake at a Denny’s in Victorville, California. The Coolio “sighting” was the first of its kind in San Bernardino County and caused a minor stir, as about ten onlookers gathered around the table anxious to see if the claim was true.

“It’s him, alright,” insisted Tommy Grume, 43, who had himself ordered the flapjack. “Look! He’s wearing those sunglasses that he always used to wear! If you don’t see it, you’re blind. Or stupid. Just look!”

While the line cooks declined to comment, the on-duty manager emphatically shook her head ‘no’ when we asked her if there was anything unique about how that particular pancake was made.

While Grume was “absolutely certain” it that Coolio’s image was clearly visible in his meal, most of those present disagreed, and did not even see the need to make a big deal out of any of it.

“Come on, get real,” griped Snyder Beenly, a regular and longtime patron. “Ain’t nothing there to see.”

Grume was arrested at the same Denny’s in July for possession of methamphetamine.

 

 

 

 

 

(Technology) The wait is almost over. Developers declared on Wednesday that by 2019, many new cellphones will contain ALDH (A Literal Dick Hole).  The notion of finally just adding ALDH to cellular devices is not new, but is something that has been discussed by designers in Silicon Valley for over a decade now. However, Kile Moffit, III, CEO and founder of StreriOID Software, is ALDH’s chief-designer, and stated, “It’s time to take that final step towards our complete separation of ourselves from other people. It’s really the only thing that you can’t do with your phone yet. ALDH finally closes the circle and makes every man a complete island, which is evidently exactly what he wants now.”

The annual WhatsAppining Convention, held every January in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, found consumers already buzzing:

“I can’t wait to fuck my phone,” exclaimed  Todd Brock, 36, from Denver. “It’s my best friend. I think I have kids, but I like my phone better.”

Gabriel Corbit, 20, from Lyman, Nebraska, agreed: “I think it’s pretty cool. I already know how long I can keep it up with a girl. But this is going to be interesting.”

Erik Melding, 50, who flew to the convention from Sisters, Oregon: “I hope Apple will decide to carry this new dick tech. Cuz’ I’m not getting rid of my iPhone, even though my step-daughter thinks I should. And I hope there are going to be different sized holes, know what I mean? Not bragging if it’s true, guy.”

Moffit was eager to point out that the dick holes will be “adjustable in size, and therefore something practically every man can enjoy.”

Will women be able to get in on the fun? “Absolutely”, said Moffit. “May, 2020 should see the release of our ACPO models for women. The ACPO (A Cock Pops Out) models are just like the ones with ALDH, “only heavier”, explained Moffit, “because of the metallic wangs they will encase.”

This is a developing story. Please check back for updates  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(News) Facebook user Jamison Malden admitted on Saturday that he has no actual friends, despite the fact that his user profile boasts well over 700 of them. “782, to be exact,” explained Malden, a New York City denizen who recently turned 34.

“I am very popular on Facebook and LinkedIn,” Malden continued, “but if I’m going to be completely honest with you, lately, I’m not even sure if I have one actual friend. You know, someone I can count on when things get tough. Someone who will stand by you no matter what.”

Meghan Katz dated Malden until late last year, and feels that his claim is completely accurate: “Oh my god, he is absolutely right. (He has) no friends at all. None. Know why? Because he’s a dick. That’s why.”

When Katz’ name was mentioned, Malden clearly saddened, quietly saying, “You talked to her?” before falling silent for almost a half hour, despite many repeated attempts to continue the interview.

Someone not at a loss for words, however, was Katz:

“We were together almost two years. He is a liar.  His whole life is one big fat lie. He has a decent job, but he spends all his money on alcohol and drugs. Oh, and sports memorabilia. He’s always talking to people, ya know, surrounded by a crowd and all, but you know what? Nobody likes him. Because he’s not that nice. He’s what I like to call ‘fake nice.’ He’s manipulative, and that’s that. You act that way, you have no friends. No matter what you say online.”

Malden’s older brother, Grant, who lives in nearby Patterson, New Jersey, doesn’t entirely agree with Katz, saying, “Ah, she (Katz) is just butt hurt, yo. My brother is aight. He aight.”

Grant (who, for the record, is, like his brother, Caucasian) confesses he has not spent time with Jamison since March or April of 2012.

 

 

(Technology) A new dating app, ‘Unpaid Whore’, unveiled on Wednesday at The Tech of Dust convention in Marin County, California, is “exactly like Tinder”, according to its own inventor, Sean Cardale.

“Unpaid Whore is literally exactly like Tinder in every single way. Well, the name is different, obviously. But aside from that, no difference in any way, whatsoever”, explains Cardale.

Cardale, pressed by reporters while manning his booth at the popular TOD gathering, held annually in Northern California, did not appear to lose his patience while repeatedly being asked the same questions over and over again for the roughly nine hours he attended the event.

“I don’t know what else to say.  The two apps are indentical in every way, except in the spelling of the names.”

Cardale, 20, is currently working on an app that will allow users to watch, in real time, their IQ’s decrease with successive hits of marijuana.