Blonde Claims ‘Hair Discrimination’ for Not Getting Hired at Chinese Restaurant


(News) According to court papers filed Wednesday, college student Colette Asbury claims that she did not get hired at Golden Panda III due to the color of her hair. “I’m more than qualified for the job. I noticed that everyone who works there is brunette. So it’s my hair. It’s the only thing I can figure. Um, I’m no law student, but I am pretty sure that’s called discrimination.” While Asbury is adamant about following through with her case, and is asking for $1.6 million dollars in damages for “emotional distress”, experts doubt that it will hold up in court.  Jay Berg, a public defender who resides near Sandpoint, Idaho, where the incident took place, explains:  “She likely doesn’t have a case. The law won’t recognize hair discrimination. The lone exception is where an employee’s hair style is related to a religious belief. Ms. Asbury has not voiced any convictions of this sort. Were that the case, an employer would be wise to consider reasonable accommodations to avoid a claim of religious discrimination. No one from Golden Panda III returned calls for this story.

Coolio “Sighting” in Pancake at Victorville Denny’s


(Local) Breakfast-goers got an unexpected surprise on Monday when the image of 90’s hip-hop legend Coolio (real name Leon Ivy Jr.) was spotted in a pancake at a Denny’s in Victorville, California. The Coolio “sighting” was the first of its kind in San Bernardino County and caused a minor stir, as about ten onlookers gathered around the table anxious to see if the claim was true.

“It’s him, alright,” insisted Tommy Grume, 43, who had himself ordered the flapjack. “Look! He’s wearing those sunglasses that he always used to wear! If you don’t see it, you’re blind. Or stupid. Just look!”

While the line cooks declined to comment, the on-duty manager emphatically shook her head ‘no’ when we asked her if there was anything unique about how that particular pancake was made.

While Grume was “absolutely certain” it that Coolio’s image was clearly visible in his meal, most of those present disagreed, and did not even see the need to make a big deal out of any of it.

“Come on, get real,” griped Snyder Beenly, a regular and longtime patron. “Ain’t nothing there to see.”

Grume was arrested at the same Denny’s in July for possession of methamphetamine.






ISIS Claims Responsibility for ‘Overboard’ Remake


(World) According to reports out of London early Monday morning, ISIS has claimed full responsibility for the remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell classic, “Overboard.” The 2018 version, released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures and Pantelion Films, offers what it calls a “fresh take on the iconic romantic comedy”, and stars Eugenio Derbez and Anna Faris. Derbez plays the role of some asshole from a wealthy Mexican family, and Faris, a working class single mother of three hired to clean his luxury yacht.

“It doesn’t even matter whether or not the remake is good or terrible”, cried one moviegoer loitering in the lobby of a cineplex located in Long Island, NY,

”There is simply no good reason to do this.”

This is a developing story. Check back for more details. 

Neighbor Says Message on Family’s Welcome Mat “Not Consistent With Who They Really Are”


(Local) A quiet Arizona neighborhood got a little louder this week when Prescott resident Corey Bilius called out his next door neighbors for having a welcome mat that does not accurately portray who they really are.

“You can’t believe everything you read on a welcome mat”, complained Bilius, who noticed on Friday that his next door neighbors Kayla Ostermann and Rory Klem keep a mat in front of their door that reads, Welcome To Our Love Nest.

“They fight all the time”, explained Bilius, 24, who has lived next door to the couple for about three months. “My dad almost called the cops on ‘em one time, but he changed his mind.”

Bilius first saw the mat while returning a piece of mail that was erroneously delivered to him:

“I had no idea it was there because I’d never been on their property before. But then I saw it and thought to myself, ‘Oh right, this is a love nest for sure. More like a fight nest!’ I mean, it struck me as being a very dishonest message, not consistent with who they really are.”

Added Bilius, “And I don’t know about you, but I am a big believer of honesty. Honesty is huge for me. Ask anybody.”

According to the hostess at IHOP, where Bilius spoke freely to us while waiting for his “breakfast date”, the couple in question have lived in their house for over five years and have two children.





Cellphones Containing Holes That You Can Finally Just Shove Your Dick Into Will Be Ready by 2019, Developers


(Technology) The wait is almost over. Developers declared on Wednesday that by 2019, many new cellphones will contain ALDH (A Literal Dick Hole).  The notion of finally just adding ALDH to cellular devices is not new, but is something that has been discussed by designers in Silicon Valley for over a decade now. However, Kile Moffit, III, CEO and founder of StreriOID Software, is ALDH’s chief-designer, and stated, “It’s time to take that final step towards our complete separation of ourselves from other people. It’s really the only thing that you can’t do with your phone yet. ALDH finally closes the circle and makes every man a complete island, which is evidently exactly what he wants now.”

The annual WhatsAppining Convention, held every January in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, found consumers already buzzing:

“I can’t wait to fuck my phone,” exclaimed  Todd Brock, 36, from Denver. “It’s my best friend. I think I have kids, but I like my phone better.”

Gabriel Corbit, 20, from Lyman, Nebraska, agreed: “I think it’s pretty cool. I already know how long I can keep it up with a girl. But this is going to be interesting.”

Erik Melding, 50, who flew to the convention from Sisters, Oregon: “I hope Apple will decide to carry this new dick tech. Cuz’ I’m not getting rid of my iPhone, even though my step-daughter thinks I should. And I hope there are going to be different sized holes, know what I mean? Not bragging if it’s true, guy.”

Moffit was eager to point out that the dick holes will be “adjustable in size, and therefore something practically every man can enjoy.”

Will women be able to get in on the fun? “Absolutely”, said Moffit. “May, 2020 should see the release of our ACPO models for women. The ACPO (A Cock Pops Out) models are just like the ones with ALDH, “only heavier”, explained Moffit, “because of the metallic wangs they will encase.”

This is a developing story. Please check back for updates  


























“Popular” Facebook User Admits He Has No Actual Friends


(News) Facebook user Jamison Malden admitted on Saturday that he has no actual friends, despite the fact that his user profile boasts well over 700 of them. “782, to be exact,” explained Malden, a New York City denizen who recently turned 34.

“I am very popular on Facebook and LinkedIn,” Malden continued, “but if I’m going to be completely honest with you, lately, I’m not even sure if I have one actual friend. You know, someone I can count on when things get tough. Someone who will stand by you no matter what.”

Meghan Katz dated Malden until late last year, and feels that his claim is completely accurate: “Oh my god, he is absolutely right. (He has) no friends at all. None. Know why? Because he’s a dick. That’s why.”

When Katz’ name was mentioned, Malden clearly saddened, quietly saying, “You talked to her?” before falling silent for almost a half hour, despite many repeated attempts to continue the interview.

Someone not at a loss for words, however, was Katz:

“We were together almost two years. He is a liar.  His whole life is one big fat lie. He has a decent job, but he spends all his money on alcohol and drugs. Oh, and sports memorabilia. He’s always talking to people, ya know, surrounded by a crowd and all, but you know what? Nobody likes him. Because he’s not that nice. He’s what I like to call ‘fake nice.’ He’s manipulative, and that’s that. You act that way, you have no friends. No matter what you say online.”

Malden’s older brother, Grant, who lives in nearby Patterson, New Jersey, doesn’t entirely agree with Katz, saying, “Ah, she (Katz) is just butt hurt, yo. My brother is aight. He aight.”

Grant (who, for the record, is, like his brother, Caucasian) confesses he has not spent time with Jamison since March or April of 2012.



Man at Local YMCA Always Has Volume on TV Up Way Too Loud, According to Witness


(Opinion) A man who occasionally works out at a local YMCA always turns the television volume up way too loud, according to an eyewitness who claims she’s seen him do it on multiple occasions.  The woman, who asked that her name not be printed, said, “This guy comes in here (to the cardio room) sometimes and turns on the television, and just blasts the volume like it’s nobody’s business! It’s rude, and it really bothers me and some of the other patrons.”

While no one else we spoke to would publicly comment on the matter, some did corroborate the woman’s story, nodding yes when asked if they’d ever seen the man put the community television set on too loud.

“All the time”, shot one person while hurriedly walking past our conversation.

According to an employee at the front desk of the ‘Y’ (located in Ventura County, California, where the incidents have reportedly taken place), there are no hard and fast policies concerning the matter of television volume.  According to the rules posted on the walls in said facility, everyone is to “be respectful”, but this is somewhat subjective.


“I know he’s an older gentlemen who maybe can’t hear so good anymore,” the woman continued, “but even so, it wouldn’t kill the YMCA to make some rules about this that are more strict. What comes around goes around.”

I asked her what she meant by ‘what comes around goes around’, but she avoided the question, instead adding: “People need to start showing some more respect around here or I’ll be working out at one of their other locations.”


School Removes Nets from Tennis Courts to Prevent Kids’ Hurt Feelings


(News) Faculty members from a California middle school decided to remove all of the nets from their tennis courts on Friday  “in order to prevent even more of the negative emotions already associated with adolescence”, according to the facility’s fitness instructor, Marc Barry.

Barry, whose full title at Oaks Valley Middle School, located in Pruass, Ca., actually reads: Administrative Physical Education Coordinator/Supervisor/Coach, has worked there since 2009 and is adamant about his decision to ”go netless.”

“When a kid hits a tennis ball into the net, he or she feels bad. Is this what we want to teach our kids? Why don’t we just save time and write ‘I CAN’T’ in big red letters on the forehead of every student? Might as well if we wanna go down this road,” says Barry.

Barry’s assistant, Dennis Port, agrees:

”I’ve been an assistant coach for a couple years now, and I watch the kids’ faces when they mess up and hit a ball into the net. We are killing these kids. Every single child is a talented, totally equal, superstar-powerhouse and winner. The nets on our courts were not saying that. In fact, they were lowering the self-esteem of these already fragile human beings.”


While the tennis court nets are gone and are “never coming back on MY watch”, according to Barry, not everyone associated with the facility agrees with the decision. Former teacher Carrie Benton, who worked at the school from 1974 until she retired in 2012, says she has basically been in a state of shock since first hearing about the decision:

“Is this real? I mean, seriously? Tell me you’re noodling with me. This can’t be really happening. I don’t even know what else to say.”

Moreover, the school’s current Vice Principal, Dean Moorehouse, feels similarly to Benton:

“I will be doing everything within my power to have those nets back up as soon as possible. It’s tennis. The way the game is played…..ah, never mind. I’m not doing this, guys. The fact that I feel even remotely compelled to have to say any of this is beyond all that is absurd.”

An public forum is scheduled to take place on campus on March 12th at 7:30pm.




Pennsylvania Teen Sues “The Whole World” for “Lying About Everything”


(News) According to court papers filed in Allentown, Pennsylvania on Wednesday, a nineteen-year-old is attempting to sue “Pretty Much The Whole World” for what he describes as “a litany of dishonesty” coming straight at him “like a freight train, picking up speed, and barreling off its tracks whilst completely out of control.”

Kip Shermahorn, the plaintiff in the case, just graduated from Middle Grove High School last year, and admits it is “really just an act of desperation.”

”I’m not expecting to win”,  explained Shermahorn. “I just don’t know what else to do at this point. “

Michael Shaw, a law student in the Pittsburg area, disagrees, and believes Shermahorn is actually planning on a large financial victory in the case:

“There are 56, 411 items listed in ‘Shermahorn Vs. World’. This is not just some kid blowing off steam. He wants, and plans, to win”, opines Shaw.

Some of Shermahorn’s complaints:

”(I was) led to believe that stores filled with tons of inventory had money to spend.” (#342)

”Someone once said to me, ‘That guy is an expert because he’s on tv.’” (#21,950)

”When I was little, I was told that most adults knew some stuff about things.” (#1,488)

”I guess that a name change would suffice.  (We can call it) something like the food pyramid scheme.” (#773)

”Many people have told me that “Speed” was a good movie.” (#3,903)


Despite the extensiveness of the case, Shaw doesn’t think winning is possible.

”A fundamental problem is that Shermahorn is not suing a specific person or cooperate entity, which enormously hurts his chances of having this case ruled in his favor”, explains Shaw.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates  




New Dating App, ‘Unpaid Whore’, Exactly Like ‘Tinder’, says Inventor


(Technology) A new dating app, ‘Unpaid Whore’, unveiled on Wednesday at The Tech of Dust convention in Marin County, California, is “exactly like Tinder”, according to its own inventor, Sean Cardale.

“Unpaid Whore is literally exactly like Tinder in every single way. Well, the name is different, obviously. But aside from that, no difference in any way, whatsoever”, explains Cardale.

Cardale, pressed by reporters while manning his booth at the popular TOD gathering, held annually in Northern California, did not appear to lose his patience while repeatedly being asked the same questions over and over again for the roughly nine hours he attended the event.

“I don’t know what else to say.  The two apps are indentical in every way, except in the spelling of the names.”

Cardale, 20, is currently working on an app that will allow users to watch, in real time, their IQ’s decrease with successive hits of marijuana.