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Man Who Owns ‘Smart Car’ Insists Women Still Find Him Attractive

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(Local News) During a casual luncheon on Thursday, San Diego resident Daniel Winslow, who owns and drives a Smart Car, adamantly declared that women still find him sexually attractive. Winslow, 31, works as an assistant office coordinator for a small internet advertising firm located in Imperial Beach, California. “I go on a lot of dates, believe you me,” shot back Winslow, when asked if his new ride was having a negative impact on his love life. “And the women I hook up with are hot, too. You should see ’em,” continued Winslow, “they are beautiful.”

While his current status on Facebook is ‘single’, Winslow says he is in no hurry to settle down: “This is the best time in my life. I suppose that one might say I am sowing my wild oats.”

Mike Schoenberg, a co-worker, and one of Winlow’s closest friends, said nothing to either support or dispute his buddy’s statements. “Hey, he’s a good looking guy. And he spends a lot of time at the gym,” said Schoenberg, “but I’m not one to talk about anyone’s personal business, if that’s where this is going,”

“ASK RICHARD” – Belligerent, Inebriated, and Full Of Advice For Our Readers

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Richard Gutierrez is a construction worker who was born and raised in Laredo, Texas. Here, Richard answers a question sent in by one of our very own readers.

Dear Richard,

I am fifteen years old, and I want a tattoo. My mom won’t let me get one, and it doesn’t seem fair. All of my friends have tattoos! Plus, I have been saving money for almost two years and can afford to get exactly what I want. My mom refuses to see my reasoning. She says that as long as I am living under her roof I have to go by her rules. She says I need to wait until I’m 18 before I can even consider it. What do you think? How can I get her to see my way?

Sincerely,

Ryan Sternberg – Yonkers, NY

Dear Ryan,

My fucking dog bit me today and it’s like dude what the fuck. He is a Pit named Grinder and he is a puppy but still I mean come on. My wife didn’t want me to get him in the first place but it’s like fuck you bitch I pay the bills! Know what I mean? America used to be different. I can’t believe the crap that’s going on nowadays. Plus both my cousins are all fucked up on crystal.

– Richard

Psychology Professor: “Vegans Probably Don’t Have Orgasms”

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(Psychology) Professor Julian Reinhard caused an uproar in his local Austrian community when he declared during a press conference on Wednesday that his twenty-two years as a psychoanalyst have led him to believe that vegans are likely incapable of having orgasms. “I don’t know for sure,” explained Reinhard, “it’s just a feeling I have, I guess.” The renowned professor had been a practicing therapist for almost two decades before beginning a teaching career at the Austrian School For The Metaphysical.  His controversial comments were made while Reinhard was doing a book signing for his newly penned, Your Mind Is A Pusillanimous Thew (Kong Press, 2015; Amazon Price $42.80).

“I am, of course, bound by laws of confidentiality,” Reinhard said, “but I can tell you that based on information received, I have long sensed a connection of some sort between veganism and the total inability to cum.”

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His remarks enraged many of those there, some of whom were outspoken about their new disdain for the scholar. Wanda Portnoy angrily threw her copy of Reinhard’s new tome right at the author and stormed out, crying. “He doesn’t know what he is talking about. He is just a mean, stupid idiot who thinks he knows what he is talking about but does not. He does not know what he is talking about. He is wrong. He is mean and stupid and does not know what he is talking about.”

It is unclear whether Reinhard’s comments will have any impact on the sales of his new book. Representatives from Kong Press could not be reached for comment.

Plan To Make U.S. 101/State Route 23 Reconstruction Project “Complete Shit Show” A Blazing Success

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(Community Voices) If the plan was to make the heavily-used U.S. Highway 101/State Route 23 interchange in Thousand Oaks “a complete shit show” during its period of reconstruction, then it has been “a blazing success”, according to local commuters. While Caltrans, who is spearheading the project, remains focused on the fact that the widening of the 101 Freeway in that area will ultimately ease traffic congestion and improve safety for the more than 170,000 motorists who travel through the area daily, motorists “don’t really give a shit about that right now”, says Stacey Dixon of Calabasas.

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“If they wanted to create a terrifying experience for commuters, mission accomplished,” Dixon continued.

Mark O’Reily of Newbury Park agrees. “These days, as I drive Southbound on the 101 approaching Hamphire Road, I wear a helmet.”

“One of the problems is that the lane connecting CA-23 to US-101 seems to have been constructed by someone who has no eyes,” griped Charles Waters of Westlake Village. “Coming on to the 101 from the 23, you’re just all the sudden sharing a lane with another car. I would honestly feel safer driving at Saugus Speedway.”

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Caltrans, the Ventura County Transportation Commission, and the City of Thousand Oaks are partners on the $43 million project, which will not be completed until Spring, 2016.

“Meanwhile,” says Waters, “I will just have to deal with diarrhea each morning.”

According To Men, There Are Actually Four Things More Boring Than Water

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(Study) Results of an annual survey done by the prestigious men’s magazine, LIMEFRONT reveal that water is actually not the most boring thing in the world. In fact, according to the over 17,000 men polled, there are four things more boring. To be specific, “being asked to drink a glass of water” is Number Five on the list of the most boring things in all of life.

Those surveyed were males over the age of five who live in the United States. Below is the list of items that made the top ten.

10) Sigorney Weaver

9) Kale

8) The Magazine Rack At Sprouts

7) Having To Fold Blankets

6) “Eats” (The Denny’s Television Network)

5) Being Asked To Drink A Glass Of Water

4) Music That Features The Zither

3) Most Varieties Of Papaya

2) The Urbane Cafe

1) Trivia Regarding The Band Buckcherry

(The full list can be viewed at http://www.limefront.com/people/men/poll/2015/boringashell.)

Prayers Answered? Apple To Unveil iGod 3S in 2017

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(Business) According to technology insiders, 2017 will be the year that Apple finally releases the device that has already received more plaudits than any iPhone, iPod, or wristwatch – it’s the iGod 3S. Gadget Insider Magazine has long predicted the iGod 3S will be the fastest selling Apple product in history.

And just what is the iGod 3S, you ask? It is a small electronic device that holds up to 10GB of prayers. From its user-friendly interface to its four snazzy tropical color options, the iGod 3S is “a slam dunk”, according to Josh Salzman, editor-in-chief of GIM. “A lot of people claim they just don’t have time for prayer in this fast-paced, hustle-bustle world, and this product may literally be a life saver for such folks.”

There are still far more questions than answers, according to Salzman, but there is  a hefty amount of speculation. There is talk of something called an iSky, which would not only house all of the gigabytes of prayers, but also the user’s personal photos, music, and so on. “The iSky would have to be way bigger than the iCloud, obviously,” explains Salzman.

This is a developing story. Check back for updates. 

DVD Players On Backs Of Car Seats Solve Problems For Self-Centered Parents

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(Detroit, MI) According to a new poll, DVD players installed on the backs of car seats are making life a lot easier for selfish parents. Del Leandro, of Berkeley, California, polled 500 egocentric parents between September, 2014 and July of this year. All but one, who was on his cell phone during the poll and never really answered the questions, agreed that the new technology had greatly improved their lives.

“It’s like I only have to be a parent when I feel like it”, rejoiced Adam Colman of Providence, Rhode Island. Colman, who is a father of three, is not alone in his sentiment. Julia Cranfeld of New York City told Leandro, “My daughter is so fucking needy. I just need a goddamn break when I get off work and have to pick her up from day care. It’s like, she has no idea that I had a long day. It’s all about her.” Cranfeld, whose daughter is three years old, went on: “Now I can just put on a cartoon and pretend she’s not there.”

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While virtually every study of human development ever done in the entire history of mankind shows that this kind of thing is the exact opposite of what a child needs in order to grow up emotionally happy and stable, many of the parents polled took a let’s-cross-that-bridge-when-we-get-to-it approach. Jacob Sebring of Yorbalinda, California, when confronted with scientific research and statistics said, “I don’t worry about any long term affects on my son. At around the time he is eighteen years old, I will be divorcing his mom anyway.” But some of those polled where not so flippant, and dwelled on their proclaimed belief that a DVD player on the back of their seats is actually really good for children. Dana Zule from Scranton, Pennsylvania opined, “My kids are so used to it, they don’t even try to talk to me anymore. I think it’s because they really have grown to love cinema. And Police Amademy 5.” 

In the poll, the most frequently repeated comments included:

“I can concentrate more on my own life.”

“They don’t really care about what’s happening anyway, so who cares if I interact with them?”

“It’s cheaper than a babysitter.”

Study: Def Leppard Has Not Been Good Since 1983

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(Study) New research shows that Joe Elliot-fronted hard rock group Def Leppard has not created any good music since 1983. Inarguably, that year saw the release of their high watermark, the multi-platinum hard rock powerhouse, Pyromania. While sheer sales numbers may claim that their late-eighties recording of Hysteria had substance, new data derides such a claim. Henry Galbolp, CEO of marketing research giant TELMO, spearheaded the research project, but is unwilling to disclose too many of the details that led to the surprising findings. “Let’s just say that we found literal proof that their music has been vacuous since their ‘Photograph’ period, despite what anyone says”, claims Galbolp. When sales figures were brought up, he continued to defend the science. “Hey, sometimes numbers lie. Everyone knows that. So a lot of people bought Hysteria. Who cares? Our study shows that very few cool people bought it, or like it. And those that did, it turns out, made the album purchase in order to get laid.”

Yet many on Twitter dispute Galbolp’s study, including “Sexrox1969”, who took to social media to opine, “Leppard rulez earth u idiotz.”

The Houston, Texas-based TELMO Corporation is currently following up the Def Leppard project with an extensive study to determine whether or not musician Matthew Sweet was ever actually relevant.